Study Hall

The Missing Link: Unfortunate Adventures In Training Via “Baptism By Fire”

A tale of tech support calls, training, and the associated comedy involved.

“Hello, technical support… Using your keypad, please enter your current heart rate so we may assess your level of need.”

“Is this technical support?”

“Possibly. It depends on the severity of your problem. It’s 9 pm, the kids are out, and my wife just found her cheerleading uniform in the back closet.”

“Wait, can you hear me?”

“No.”

*click*

pause

*ring *

“Hello, technical support again.”

“Did I just call you?”

“No”

“Um, OK… Anyway, I’m on a gig and we just plugged signal to the amplifier and all we’re getting is a buzzing sound. Is this a known bug in your software?”

“Please hold.”

I’m actually on a date with my wife, with the promise of the aforementioned uniform hinging on which level of Uber I spring for on the way home. My hand covers the mic on the phone while I motion to her that I need a minute. Her eyes roll so quickly that she momentarily loses consciousness, but I’m already excusing myself past a heavyset man telling his daughter about how many boats he owns while inexplicably plying her with wine.

“Hi, what seems to be the problem?”

“Your amplifiers don’t work when I plug signal into them. I think they’re broken and I need new ones.”

“O.K., cool. Just for kicks, indulge me while we go through some basics. Have you…”

“I did that.”

“Sorry, I didn’t ask you anything yet.”

“But I already did all of the things you’re going to tell me to do and it still doesn’t work”

“Well, that certainly makes this easier. Glad I could help! Be safe out there, call if you need anything”

“No, no… sorry. See, I’m pretty experienced and have been doing this a long time. I’m kind of the go-to guy in the shop, so usually, I’m in your position taking phone calls.”

“Cool, cool. Anyway, why don’t you give me a rundown on your signal chain after your last bit of processing and we’ll do it that way.”

(Speaking with a slow, cop-like officious tone) “O.K… Lake AES output 1/2 to a passive AES splitter, then AES channel 1 on a mic cable 200 feet to house left and AES channel 2 on a mic cable 300 feet to house right, both into the AES inputs of your broken amplifiers.”

“…Passive AES splits.”

(Impatiently now, sans cop speak) “YES, AES PASSIVE SPLITTER. It’s a Y-cable splitting pin 2 to one XLR and pin 3 to another. Seriously, I don’t have time for this. Can you just overnight me new amps?”

Aaaaand… Scene.

I’ll do almost anything in the service of comedy, not because I’m witty and creative and use it to get extra roast beef at catering, but because it’s one of the most honest, self-replicating points of joy that exist, next to watching the planet regenerate itself via tectonic subduction and volcanoes. (Both of which have involved human virgins at some point… as has comedy.)

No, the beauty of comedy, in my humble opinion, succeeds most spectacularly only when one element is always present: truth. There always needs to be the truth in order for there to be the funny.

Sadly, the conversation above qualifies as freaking hysterical for the aforementioned reason.

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