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Fun With Studio Funding: Cash Poor But Laughing About It

Financial advice virtually guaranteed to get you nowhere - except perhaps into a better mood!

To: JBJ First National Bank

Dear Sirs:

I am just starting into the recording business and need financing to build a studio and buy equipment. Could you please send me information on your financing packages, what your current rates are, and if there points involved? Zero down and 0 percent would be nice.

Swap Happy

P.S. I plan on quitting my job after you lend me the money to make time for running the studio, so could you please make the terms for 30 years?

Dear Mr. Happy :

Here at JBJ First National Bank we strive to help small business owners achieve their dreams. We have many lending plans that may suit your needs. Please take a moment to browse through our selection of small business loan packages.

1. “Zero down, Zero payments, Zero money”
That’s right, you pay NO down payment, NO additional payments, and we give you NOTHING in return! Simply make an appointment with one of our qualified lenders, come down to one of our branch offices, and you will be promptly ignored.

2. “Five Finger Plan”
In building any small business we recognize that supplies are needed. With our “Five Finger Plan” you can simply go to the appropriate supplier (in your case, your local pro audio shop) and ask for Larry. When the sales person goes to the back of the store to look for anyone named Larry, simply place any needed merchandise in your pants and exit the store quickly. If anyone should ask you what you think you’re doing, or (for reasons unknown), accuse you of “stealing,” simply notify them of your FFP loan with JBJ First National.

3. “Audio Engineer Special”
This package was designed specifically for home recording and project studio owners.  We loan you enormous amounts of money filtered through a special broker called “Your Wife”. “Your Wife” will tell you EXACTLY what you can and cannot spend on your studio. This is a very popular package, and it isn’t hard to find professionals in your field who have recently signed up for this plan or who have had a contract for years!


4. “The NO Limit Plan”
How much we’ll actually lend you is irrelevant, because as soon as you spend what you’re given, your gear will simply not be good enough for you any more. The equipment you wanted so much yesterday… now that it’s actually made it into your hands, it will simply lose it’s appeal. But this is NOT a problem! We’ll simply loan you more money so you can go out and buy more gear in hopes that those shiny boxes with the pretty flashing lights will cover up the fact that you have no idea what you’re doing in the studio!

I’m sure you will find a package suitable for your needs, and all of us here at JBJ First National look forward to helping you build a great big financial hole in your life!

And by all means, quit your day job today! You, my friend, are on your way!

Jackson B. Jackson
President and CEO of JBJ First National Bank

More articles by Jackson B Jackson on PSW:
The Guide To Better Mixing Through “Mixing”
Watch Out For The Tall Tale: “We’ll Fix That During Mastering”
Keeping Fresh The Art Form Of Recording

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