Editor’s Note – This is intended as satire, and not to be taken too seriously (unless your mixes really stink). The only downside to following his advice may be an intervention… and one heck of a headache the next morning!
Step 1. Load up your recent session and pour yourself a tall frosty brew.
Step 2. Set all faders to 0 dB and EQs to the flat position. Take a sip of your beer before bringing up the faders on the drum tracks.
Step 3. By the time your drums are at a nice “rough mix” stage your beer glass should be well emptied.
Step 4. Before starting on the bass track, pour another beer and have a shot of good tequila on stand by. I highly recommend a nice anejo or plata from Sauza, Herradura, or Porfidio.
Step 5. After your rhythm track instruments are “playing nicely” together, and the EQ of the kick and bass guitars are happy, pour yourself the fourth shot of tequila, ‘cause there’s no way you got to this point without at least two more shots.
Step 6. Once you’ve gotten used to the fact that your mixing room now spins, bring the faders up on your guitar tracks. At this point you should find that those guitar tracks you were POSITIVE would need major editing (because of their intonation and timing problems) have somehow managed to “correct themselves”.
Step 7. Set the empty bottle of tequila aside, tell Elvis to stop talking while you’re mixing, and bring up the acoustic guitar and piano tracks. Make sure you’ve got no phase problems between the left and right monitors, and find out who put those other left and right monitors in your studio.