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ZDSSM
Some smart-ass thinks he can improve on my ZDM Protocol. However, he
has an interesting way of communicating …
Okay
OKAY,
ALREADY!
I hear you, I understand where you are coming from with ZDM. Check
this out.
CHECK WHAT OUT?
You're driving down Bleeker St. on a fine spring day with your top
down, looking from left to right at all the wondrous sights, tall buildings
and kids playing hopscotch on the sidewalk, so on and so forth. You
look back ahead of you. There's a kid in the street.
DON’T HIT THAT KID,
MARK!
Unfortunately for you, you only have one large eye in the center
of your head.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I HAVE TWO
EYES!
You don't know how far away the kid is from you. You slam on the
brakes anyway. Disaster averted? Who knows ... you get the picture.
NOW I UNDERSTAND.
YOU ARE CREATING WHAT JOHNNY COCHRAN
CALLS A “HYPOTHETICAL.”
YOU ARE SAYING THAT WITH
JUST ONE EYE, A PERSON WOULD HAVE NO DEPTH PERCEPTION. I BELIEVE YOU
ARE CORRECT.
I make bass guitars.
SO WHAT?
Basses with bookmatched tops are gorgeous and I make many every year,
but because of nature and the kerf of a sawblade, those bookmatched
visualizations are very slightly yet very naturally different from one
another. In some cases, barely perceptible, but beautiful nonetheless.
CAN
YOU PLEASE DEFINE WHAT YOU MEAN BY “KERF” – FOR US
IGNORANT UNINITIATED ONES?
NOT EVERYBODY GOT AN “A”
IN WOOD SHOP LIKE YOU DID, MARK.
Close your left eye. See the image?
NO, I DON’T SEE ANYTHING.
DO YOU THINK
I AM ON HALLUCINOGENS OR SOMETHING?
Close your right eye.
OKAY,
NOW BOTH MY EYES ARE CLOSED.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE SEEING?
Extremely similar, but oh so very slightly different. So slight that
if you saw the two photos from each eye side by side you may say they
are the same photo, but look again.
AREN’T MY EYES SUPPOSED TO BE CLOSED?
ARE
YOU SURE THAT THIS EXPERIMENT IS HARMLESS?
In one eye the spot on the wall behind and just to the left of the
computer monitor where Olivia threw her playdough leaving a telltale
green streak is clearly visible.
WHAT ARE YOU RAVING ABOUT? WHO IS OLIVIA?
In the other eye, that one miniscule detail is entirely absent, no
explanation, no forwarding address, just gone.
I’LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR
IT, MARK.
YOU SEEM TO BE PLAYING IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT LEAGUE
THAN THE REST OF US.
If you saw two completely different images with your eyes, or two
images that matched at one wavelength of light, and did not match at
others, you would be quite disoriented.
THE
ONLY TIME I AM DISORIENTED IS WHEN I OVERDO IT ON THE BOOZE AND MY “FREEDOM
SMOKE.”
THAT’S WHEN THE OLD SOUNDWOMAN GETS REALLY
MAD AT ME!
I admit I have in the past panned some instruments completely left
or right, but no more!
YOU’VE SEEN THE
LIGHT!
SIGN RIGHT HERE TO CONTRIBUTE TO MY ZDM POLITICAL ACTION COMMITTEE FOR
THE PROMOTION OF RALPH
NADER’S CANDIDACY! WE ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS, CASH, CHECKS, MONEY
ORDERS AND CUSTOM-MADE BASS GUITARS!
If all mixers could be made with pan knobs that only went 5 degrees
left or right of center, everyone would suddenly experience what I now
like to call, with most humble respect and admiration to your acronym
ZDSSM, or Zoned Dual Slightly Stereo Mixing.
I GRANT
YOU THE FREEDOM TO SLIGHTLY ALTER MY BRILLIANT CONCEPT.
IF I
WANTED TO, I COULD MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL OF PATENT ATTORNEYS,
SEARCH WARRANTS, AND PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS.
BUT I WON’T,
BECAUSE I’M A NICE GUY.
No 4 year old girl's voice who screams "Daddy, carry me!"
in your left ear will be completely absent from your right, but I can
almost guarantee that it will be at least slightly louder in your left.
I know this from experience.
IS
“OLIVIA” THE FOUR-YEAR-OLD?
MARK, YOU NEED TO SOBER
UP, MY YOUNG FRIEND!
This is how you will know to turn slightly to your left, arms outstretched
to take that shoeless child from the car to the front door.
Sincerely,
Mark
YOU DEFINITELY
TAKE THE LONG WAY HOME, CONCEPTUALLY SPEAKING.
BUT YOU GET US
THERE IN THE END!
LUV –
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
