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Fans’N’Spam
Who wants to join me (and a few friendly neighborhood hackers) in
my campaign to locate the spammers, and lock them in a dark closet for
the rest of their lives, with only a bowl of kibble and a water bottle
every day, while they think over what havoc they are wreaking on all
our lives …
LET ME ASK A FEW FAVORS
HERE.
FIRST, PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME ANY MESSAGES THAT ONLY HAVE
“HI” OR “HELLO” IN THE SUBJECT LINE. THAT USED
TO BE OKAY, BUT SINCE THIS SITE WAS FOUNDED, THE CURSE OF SPAM HAS MULTIPLIED
ABOUT 5,000%
SECONDLY, DO NOT SEND ME ANY MESSAGES WITH “<NO
SUBJECT>” IN THE SUBJECT LINE. THOSE GET DELETED RIGHT OFF
THE BAT.
A SINCERE PILGRIM RECENTLY SENT ONE THAT HAD “HOW?”
IN THE SUBJECT LINE. I DO NOT EVEN KNOW HOW IT SURVIVED ONE OF MY MASS
DELETIONS. I WAS STARTLED WHEN IT OPENED UP AND IT WAS AN ACTUAL LETTER
TO ME!
LASTLY, PLEASE PUT SOME KIND OF AUDIO TERM IN THE SUBJECT
LINE. SOMETHING MORE THAN ONE WORD. ONE DAMN SPAMMER EVEN SENT ME AN
E-MAIL THAT SAID “NEUMANN” ON IT!
BOY, WAS I MAD
WHEN I OPENED THAT ONE!
THEY THINK THEY ARE SO CUTE WHEN, INSTEAD
OF ASKING ME WHETHER I WANT VIAGRA FOR MY PENIS, THEY SAY VIA-GRA AND
PE-NIS TO TRY TO EVADE ANY BLOCKING SOFTWARE.
I DON’T WANT
TO WATCH THE PARIS HILTON VIDEO, AND THAT’S FINAL! I DON’T
EVEN THINK SHE LOOKS THAT GOOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICA?
AND
WHAT’S WITH THESE GIBBERISH SUBJECT LINES, LIKE “COLOGNE
GILD OCTET,” “FUNGI MANTISSA,” “NITROGEN MIAMI,”
AND “ETIQUETTE EVANSTON CYTOPLASM?” I’M NOT MAKING
THOSE UP!
“HAUGHTY INDOEUROPEAN GUS MONTAGE,” WHAT’S
THAT? I HAVE DEFINITELY HEARD A “DISMAL TURKISH DRUM” BEFORE,
BUT WHO ON EARTH CAME UP WITH “SHAMEFACE ARTWORK DEADWOOD PLANKTON?!?!”
AND THE AUTHORS! CHECK OUT MY MAN “SPICER JED!” I THINK
HE WAS ON THE ORIGINAL “SPACE
FAMILY ROBINSON!” NOT TO MENTION “SADAT F. DUNG,”
“CLINKING L. AILMENT,” AND “TRUNCATED M. CARNELIAN!”
THIS MORNING’S WINNER:
“EXEMPTION P. MANIKIN!”
WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING?
I DON’T BELIEVE THESE ARE ATTEMPTS AT COMMERCE.
I THINK IT IS A PLOT BY GOVERNMENT SCIENTISTS TO DESTABILIZE OUR BRAINS
BY USING LANGUAGE AS A VIRUS, AS PREDICTED BY WILLIAM
S. BURROUGHS!
BUT
THEN THE FAN LETTERS COME IN, AND ALL IS WELL IN MY WORLD, AT LEAST
FOR A FEW MOMENTS.
REMEMBER OUR “AMP-LESS BASSIST” FRIEND, SHAWN?
Old Soundman
Thanks for the reply, I've had a chance to do a couple weeks of shows
with the band and what you said is right on.
THANKS,
SHAWN! YOU’RE TOO KIND!
I was trying to think of Chuck Rainey's quote about being able to
"hear the bass small" while I play, but the other guys in
the band were missing the "happy feet"(probably not helped
by the fact the last bassist had an amp so loud he sometimes wasn't
getting put though the system).
I
THINK HE PLAYED AT MY CLUB LAST WEEK.
IN FACT, I’M SURE
HE DID!
So I'm going to use a medium sized amp(4x10), and be in communication
with whoever is running sound to do my best to keep all parties (and
feet) happy.
Thank you again for the help,
Shawn
YOU’RE
WELCOME, SHAWN MY YOUNG FRIEND! I’M GLAD I COULD BE OF SERVICE.
YOU SEEM LIKE YOU ARE ON THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW, UNLIKE OUR NEXT CONTESTANT.
YOU REMEMBER HOW A LONG TIME AGO I GAVE A NICKNAME
TO OUR BUDDY “SCO?” THEN, MORE RECENTLY, THE LOVELY
SHAYLA WROTE IN AND I DUBBED HER “SHAY-SHAY.”
WHAT IS IT,
I’M THE OLD NICKNAME GUY NOW? I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! THE LATEST
SEEKER IS NAMED LINDSEY.
Hey my name is lindsey and me and my friends have this crew called
htf (hell towns finest) and they’re all boys, so I am da 1st lady
in da crew. they all have names like jkool, emerald, and so on but we
can’t think of one for me. Can u help us out cuz we’re gettin
our clothes w/ our name on it soon and I don’t have one to put
on my clothes so please help …
I’M
SCARED TO ASK WHERE HELL TOWN IS.
I WROTE BACK TO HER AND SUGGESTED
SHE JUST USE HER E-MAIL NAME …
FUNNYFACE!
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
