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The Old Soundman vs. NAMM 2004
You can imagine that me and tradeshows are like oil and water wait
a minute, cancel that, make it magnesium and water! Because I start
getting hot under the collar when I get around the grinning polo-shirted
jackasses that have never loaded out of a funky-ass club at three in
the morning, or crawled back into it at three in the afternoon and fired
up that underpowered rig with intermittent submasters.
NAMM is the worst. At least at NSCA or AES, it’s mostly people who actually
earn their living working as professionals in sound, lighting or video.
NAMM brings out the hobbyist lemmings. Back when I was young, shortly
after the Big Bopper and Buddy Holly went into the dirt, music stores
generally sold to two types of customers music students of whatever
level, and then working musicians.
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In the past thirty years, a horrific third category has evolved
the rumpus room rock star, who can be any age from 13 to 53. There are
groups of corporate salarymen who gather to “practice” (translation:
drink and play very, very badly) once a week, who buy the same powered
heads, vocal mics, EFX, and digital workstations that their teenage
counterparts are either saving up for, or getting their parents to buy
for them.
As I drove into one of the ten-acre parking lots at NAMM, there was
an IROC-Z ahead of me with dark tinted windows and a license plate holder
that said “Stoner Chicks Rule.” Since my wife and daughter were far,
far away back at Casa OSM, I waited around after I parked my car, to
see what Stoner Chick looked like,.
I stood there in the blazing sun with my water bottle for about three
minutes, before I realized why she and her friends didn’t emerge they
were in there enjoying their “freedom smoke!” So I turned around, and
joined the river of human flotsam and jetsam moving toward the distant
Anaheim Convention Center. There were plenty of other young stoners
with band shirts on, plus your well-dressed older parasites who have
managed to make a handsome living from viciously feeding these poor
kids’ delusions.
Then there is always the “health nut” music biz guy, with the backpack,
glasses, Hawaiian shirt and sandals. Lastly, don’t even get me started
on these creeps who shave their heads. Those of us who have lost a goodly
portion of our natural hair have no idea why someone younger would deliberately
get rid of it all.
With some of them, though, you have to wonder why their significant
others, or mothers, or friends don’t tell them: “This is a really bad
look for you!” Some of the humongous software company booths had well-groomed
antiseptic product specialists chattering away into their little headset
mics, with the ubiquitous bald heads. Hey, pal?
It looks good on Moby, OK? You’re not Moby. You look like a dork as
a baldie. Grow that mullet back, that you used to have, it was less
nightmarish than this. You have to figure that they think they look
aggressive, or moderne, or something, but they just look like clones.
And, the ones that have dents or scars or strangely shaped bone formations,
ah, it just makes an old man shudder and move away quickly.
But what about the gear, old man? I hear you, I hear you. Let me tell
you about some of the newfangled pieces I saw and liked. First off,
I got to meet the great Dave Rat. This was really a thrill, since I
had only talked to him via the phone and e-mail before.
 Dave Rat with his Grizzly hat |
 New 8” coaxial Radian Microwedge |
PSW visitors are familiar with him through his excellent “Transmissions from Dave Rat” and more recently his hilarious “Audio Quiz.” Every once in a while I consult with him, to get his sensible, highly experienced viewpoint, but to greet him in the flesh was truly awesome, it made the whole trip worthwhile. He was hanging out at the Radian booth, demo-ing his newest Microwedge, that is about as big as a breadbox and has an 8” coaxial speaker, passively crossed over.
You want to talk loud, it is unbelievable what this little guy will do. I am going to order two, to hang on the wall in my workshop, and play my Dr. Dre and Merle Haggard records through them. A pair of them just about took my head off when I talked in the mic. For smaller stages and quieter acts, plus corporate “talking heads,” this is just the ticket.
 The reasons why Dave Rat is such a great mixer |
I couldn’t help noticing the mechanical man tattoos that Dave had
on his arm, and asked him if I could photograph them. He was wearing
a hat from a company named “Grizzly,” which he told me got his vote
for the coolest booth at the show. They make various machinery, that
can be used to shape guitars, speaker cabinets, or whatever you’d like.
Dave also had a T-shirt on that originally said “Stay away from reptiles,”
that he had altered to read “Stay away from rep.” That’s the spirit!
These damn reps will talk your ear off if you let them!
I proceeded to the Grizzly display, down in the basement of the hall,
and found some steel beasts that were impressive indeed. Grizzly
has been in business for 21 years and their catalog weighs about ten
pounds. They claim that their machines are used by 500 guitar manufacturers
I didn’t know there were 500 guitar manufacturers in the whole world!
If you order a Makita, they will send you a free Grizzly shop apron!
You gotta love that! They got drill presses, drill bits, compressors,
sanders, jointers, bandsaws, lathes, nail guns, scrollers, shapers,
bandsaws, you could really torture a bad guy with this stuff!
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 Grizzly’s tilting spindle shaper and variable speed buffer |
These are real Americans, too if you are interested in a certain
tool or machine, they will locate a customer who has bought it, and
put you in touch with them for a report on the experience of a real
user. Ya won’t see any of these fancy-pants audio companies doing that
anytime soon!
