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Deep Questions
Never let it be said that soundmen do not dwell on deep philosophical
questions. Forget
Sartre, Camus
and Dr.
Gene Scott - check out the intriguing yet obscure quests that Matt
and “JWL” are on!
Greetings, OSM, from the great north woods.
AND
GREETINGS TO YOU FROM MY SECRET LOCATION!
DICK CHENEY’S
GOT NOTHING ON ME!
I'm not all that old, only been riding the faders for a few years
now.
RIDE ‘EM, SOUNDMAN! YEE-HA!
HEY, DID YOU EVER HEAR OF THE X BAR
X BOYS?
The calluses are just about right on my fingers and in my ears.
WHAT
A BIZARRE VIEWPOINT YOU HAVE.
I DON’T REALLY LIKE TO THINK ABOUT CALLUSES.
BUT, WHATEVER
FLOATS YOUR BOAT!
I was one of those dumb youngsters who thought a fancy school was
the way to go.
AH, YOU ARE LIKE YOUNG JOSH!
Luckily, I didn't pay my tuition right away and spent it on some
shitty gear after dropping out (don't tell the government).
THEY’LL
HAVE TO TORTURE ME WITH OLD BING CROSBY RECORDS BEFORE I’LL TALK,
MATT!
First gig was a 10 piece funk band with horns, lots of fun. But I
made it and they kept hiring me.
YOU PROBABLY WORKED
CHEAP.
Anyway, after a few years of fumbling through gigs and paying the
first of my dues, I have two questions that haven't been answered.
First- What's the best mic to use on a sewing machine?
YOU’VE
STEPPED ACROSS THE LINE, MATT.
I HAVE TOLD YOU PEOPLE COUNTLESS
TIMES:
FUNNY STUFF: ME.
AUDIO AND PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIONS:
YOU.
USE A CONDENSER MIC, AND CROUCH THERE ALL NIGHT, HOLDING
IT UP TO THE SEWING MACHINE. DON’T USE A MIC STAND LIKE THE CHEATERS
DO.
Second- When will I see the worst band ever?
Matt
TOMORROW
NIGHT.
IF YOU SURVIVE THAT, YOU’VE ONLY GOT TWENTY-SOME
YEARS TO GO TO CATCH UP WITH MY MAIN MAN “JWL” HERE …
Hello OSM,
HOWDY, PARTNER!
HOW’S IT HANGIN’?
Like you I have been at this for a long time, over 30 years.
BELIEVE
IT OR NOT, YOU’VE GOT ME BEAT, BROTHER!
Remember when bands didn’t use monitors?
I’VE HEARD TELL OF THOSE DAYS!
I appreciate and respect your words of wisdom, biting wit and especially
your ability to keep doing show after show.
BUT YOU
HAVE THAT SAME ABILITY!
JUST LIKE WILLIE NELSON
AND BLUE OYSTER
CULT!
I have toured the world with large and small acts; I even became
a dreaded FOH/tour manager to get out of banging gear.
ISN’T THAT THE WORST?
EVERY WHINING MUSICIAN ON YOUR CASE ALL THE TIME. FORGETFUL BANDLEADERS.
INSANE AGENTS. DEMENTED WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS.
CHECKING EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOTELS.
WAITING AT THE AIRPORTS. SETTLING
MERCH. AH,
THE DEVIL
WAS WORKING OVERTIME WHEN HE CAME UP WITH THE POSITION OF TOUR MANAGER!
After 20 years on the road I went back to school to get my degree
in order to land a suit’n’tie gig that paid off with stock
options; got the degree but never the gig.
HOW COME? DIDN’T
YOU EVER APPLY AT A FORTUNE 500 COMPANY? HOW ABOUT NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO?
WAL-MART?
TOY-R-US? CHILI’S? JBL?
So my question is it just possible that I have done R&R too long
and there is no hope of my ever becoming a member of the establishment?
JWL
SOUNDS LIKE IT TO ME.
BUT
THE GOOD NEWS IS: YOU’VE GOT PLENTY OF COMPANY!
WHEN YOU
COME TO MY CLUB, THE DRINKS ARE ON ME, PAL OF MINE.
WE’LL
SOLVE ALL THE WORLD’S PROBLEMS.
AND WATCH THE SUN COME
UP!
LUV-
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
