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Stinking Shoeboxes
Our buddy Hernan has lost his mind!
Some of what he says makes perfect sense. Other parts seem
quite crazed, yet entertaining. And you know we are all about
entertainment here at PSW!
(Hernan actually wrote in twice, and I have taken the liberty
of splicing the two together into one zesty bouillabaisse
of a rant …)
Hi OSM,
HI HERNAN! DID YOU EAT THE WORM, OR WHAT?
Why are most of the industry mags mainly concerned with
concert sound?
BECAUSE IT IS SO GLAMOROUS, WITH THE LAMINATES
AND ALL.
Real sound men work in stinking-of-rotten-booze shoebox-sized
performance closets.
THAT IS TRUE!
I
SENSE THAT THIS IS YOUR OWN PERSONAL FATE.
I’M
SURE GLAD I KICKED IT UP A NOTCH, MYSELF.
IN MY CLUB, YOU CAN AT LEAST SIT DOWN ON THE TOILET SEAT WITHOUT
INSPECTING IT, WHEN YOU COME IN FOR SOUNDCHECK IN THE AFTERNOON.
Who will sing the valor of the brave (or stoned) engineer/soldiers
who battle ancient equipment, lack-of-talent-fueled ego trips,
crooked bar owners and endure tawdry sex with ugly but really
well dressed bar maids to deliver a passably pleasurable audio
experience to the unwashed masses?
I WILL SING THE
VALOR, HERNAN!
I WILL DO IT FOR EVERY BAR MAID (OR
MANAGERESS) I WAS WITH BEFORE I GOT MARRIED!
I WILL
DO IT FOR EVERY CROOKED BAR OWNER THAT I HAVE BRAVELY MANAGED
TO DEFRAUD!
AND, LASTLY, FOR ALL THE “TALENT”
THAT I HAVE FRITTERED MY LIFE AWAY SERVING, AND DEFERRING
TO!
YOU NEED SOME COUNSELLING, HERNAN, THIS STUFF IS
REALLY EATING YOU UP.
OR MAYBE YOU JUST HAVEN’T
FIGURED OUT HOW TO GET THE DOSAGE RIGHT.
You are a mean old buzzard.
WOW, TURN ON ME ALL OF A SUDDEN!
WHAT’S GOTTEN INTO YOU, HERNAN? I WAS FEELING
SO MUCH LOVE FROM YOU BEFORE.
This email thing works for you.
IF YOU SAY SO.
I bet you were tired of people repeating everything they
said, finally resorting to yelling or writing their message
down.
HEY NOW,
HOLD ON JUST A SECOND! ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I SUFFER FROM
SOME KIND OF HEARING DAMAGE?
I CAN’T LET THAT
GET OUT, OR ELSE I WON’T GET HIRED FOR ANY MORE OF THOSE
SWINGING TOURS THAT GIVE ME LAMINATES AND STUFF.
I have a problem. I am one of those territorial small club
sound guys who do not want ANYONE near my board.
NOTHING
WRONG WITH THAT, HERNAN.
JUST TAKE IT EASY ON THE
CAPITALIZATIONS, THAT’S MY DEPARTMENT.
And yet, almost every night, some musician leaves the stage
to come over and get their greasy mitts on my penile projection.
HERNAN,
THIS IS A FAMILY WEBSITE!
ENOUGH WITH THE GENITAL
REFERENCES, ALREADY!
ALTHOUGH A SHRINK WOULD PROBABLY
GIVE YOU POINTS FOR BEING MAN ENOUGH TO ADMIT WHAT THE CONSOLE
REPRESENTS TO YOU.
HEY, HAVE YOU TAKEN DAVE
RAT’S QUIZ YET?
YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT.
One solution I will not try again is the 9mm solution.
The audio after-effect is too costly. Plus the patrons remember
they have someplace better to be.
SURELY YOU ARE JOKING HERE, HERNAN. SOMEONE
AS HUMOROUS AS YOU WOULD NEVER RESORT TO VIOLENCE. IT’S
JUST NOT YOU.
PLUS, YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN TO WEAR GUN
MUFFS.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE BECOME A MOVIE DIRECTOR LIKE QUENTIN
TARANTINO, OR STANLEY
KUBRICK, THEY FIGURED OUT HOW TO DEAL WITH THEIR VIOLENT
IMPULSES WITHOUT BECOMING IMPRISONED. AND THEY MADE MONEY
DOING IT!
DO
YOU WANT TO TEAM UP?
IT PROBABLY WOULDN’T WORK
OUT, I CAN TELL WE ARE BOTH AUTEURS.
One other problem I have is when those big shit touring
sound guys come in and start to mix and ask me where the FX
are, and I tell them that they will be spending all of their
time sweating and riding faders (like OSM rode lot lizards
back in the 50's.)
I’M
NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU, HERNAN. IT WAS HOT!
THINK POISON
IVY FROM THE CRAMPS.
THINK MISS
KITTY FROM “AUTO-FOCUS.”
IF THOSE REFERENCES ARE TOO ESOTERIC FOR YOU, THINK BETTY
PAGE, AND YOU WON’T BE TOO FAR OFF.
Because their band is a tad bit too loud for the closet
performance space we are in.
DON’T YOU JUST LOVE THAT? THE WANKERS
THAT THINK THEY ARE ROCK STARS, EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE SELLING
TWENTY TICKETS, INSTEAD OF 18,000.
AND WHAT ABOUT THEIR GIRLFRIENDS AND NERD BUDDIES WHO PRESS
UP AGAINST THE STAGE WITH THEIR DISPOSABLE CAMERAS, TO IMMORTALIZE
MR.
MULLET MAN – AREN’T THEY INCREDIBLE?
I LOVE THOSE
PEOPLE!
HEY, SPEAKING OF TAD, WERE YOU EVER INTO THE BAND TAD?
DID YOU KNOW THAT TAD
DOYLE WAS A BUTCHER IN BOISE, IDAHO, BEFORE HE FOUND SUB
POP FAME IN SEATTLE?
And when the shit starts to sound like a audio version
of a shitty flavor Jamba juice, the only time anyone will
hear FX is during their pee break. Except that is not FX,
that is tinnitus,
bitch.
LANGUAGE,
HERNAN, LANGUAGE! YOU DON’T WANT ME TO THINK YOU ARE
A WANNABE “WIGGA” LIKE SHAY-SHAY, DO YOU?
I hate these guys! When I take over to finish the mix,
my fingertips are bleeding by the end of the night, from riding
the faders for a fight or flight 45 minutes.
I HATE THEM TOO!
I’M WITH YOU, HERNAN!
IT’S BAD FOR US TO HAVE THE FIGHT-OR-FLIGHT
RESPONSE TRIGGERED TOO MANY TIMES A DAY.
Don't yell! I can still hear.
I’M YELLING OUT OF SHEER EXUBERANCE, HERNAN!
YOU
ARE TOTALLY CRACKING ME UP! JUST WHEN I THINK I WILL NEVER
GET ANOTHER LETTER EXCEPT FOR THE COUNTLESS ONES ASKING MY
OPINION OF A BRAND NAME DEVICE, YOU OR SOMEONE LIKE YOU MAKES
MY DAY!
A serious question: Is the term "headroom" a
technical measurements for the amount of fader "give"
between when the red lights blink versus when they are on
steadily?
IN A NUTSHELL, YES.
How do I get the fader to go higher if I still have said
headroom left? Can you cut the groove to go up higher?
YES.
Does this void the warranty?
NOT NECESSARILY.
I am losing my sight, is that because after all hell has
broke loose and I hide down behind the console where the amps
are, I try to read by the amps’ red lights?
YES.
Why don't those red lights stay on between performances?
OBVIOUSLY,
YOU ARE NOT JACKING THE AMPS HARD ENOUGH TO WHERE THEY GO
INTO FULL PROTECT.
AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A ROCKER!
If I put down my book, I may get bored enough to come out
of hiding and move a mic or something.
WE CAN’T
HAVE THAT!
I COMMEND YOUR DEVOTION TO THE IMPORTANT
RITUAL OF READING. AS YOU KNOW, MANY OF OUR COLLEAGUES ARE
EITHER COMPLETELY OR PARTIALLY ILLITERATE VIDIOTS.
Which reminds me, how do you turn off the amp fans? That
whirring interrupts my reading.
YOU CAN STICK A SCREWDRIVER
THROUGH THE PROTECTIVE GRILLE, AND THAT SHOULD SHATTER ALL
THE BLADES.
HOWEVER, IT MAY STILL IRRITATE YOU, BY
TURNING WITH JUST THE STUMPS MAKING KIND OF A JAGGED “WHISHING”
NOISE, IN WHICH CASE YOU CAN TAKE A HAMMER AND JUST SMASH
THE HECK OUT OF THE MOTOR, UNTIL IT STOPS TURNING.
ONE
GOOD SIDE EFFECT OF THIS TECHNIQUE IS THAT THOSE RED LIGHTS
YOU LIKE SO MUCH SHOULD COME ON MUCH SOONER, AND STAY ON.
I am glad we have sooo much in common. I was beginning
to think I had no peers. Sometimes I think I would give up
the superior intellect and mighty physical strength, just
to hang out with those normal people.
Hernan
MAYBE EVERYTHING
IS FINE, AND YOU WERE JUST IN AN ALTERED STATE WHEN YOU WROTE
IN.
BUT, HERNAN, YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO KEEP UP
THIS LEVEL OF DISTURBANCE AROUND THE CLOCK, WEEK IN, WEEK
OUT.
BELIEVE ME, I’VE TRIED.
LUV
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
