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Sales Dudes
hello osm,
Hi, PAL!
THIS ISN’T A CHATROOM, IT’S OKAY TO CAPITALIZE WORDS HERE!
i have a question i'd like to ask. how come everytime i go to
a music store to buy speaker cables ( or other gear ) i always get
stuck with some young "dude" trying to sell me stuff i
don't need?
THIS IS BECAUSE TRADITIONAL VALUES OF COMMON-SENSE INTELLIGENT SALES
AND MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUES (AND PUNCTUATION, IN YOUR CASE) ARE AS
OBSOLETE AS THE ALTEC A7 CABINET. THE TRAGEDY IS THAT WHILE THE
A7 WAS SUPERCEDED BY DESIGNS THAT ACTUALLY WORKED BETTER, CURRENT
SALESCHILDREN ARE SAD PROOF OF DEVO’S THEORY OF DE-EVOLUTION.
THE SYNDROME YOU ARE DESCRIBING IS ENCOUNTERED EVERYWHERE TODAY.
MY BUDDY HEALTH FOOD HERBIE EVEN ENCOUNTERS IT WHEN HE GOES TO A
JUICE BAR! HE ORDERED A CARROT JUICE WITH A SHOT OF WHEATGRASS,
ONLY TO HAVE THE SMILING YOUNG COUNTERPERSON ASK IF HE WANTED TO
TRY A HONEY MUSTARD PRETZEL OR THE MUFFIN OF THE DAY.
HERBIE IS A BLEEDING HEART LIBERAL PEACENIK, SO HE TOOK A DEEP BREATH
AND TRIED TO SMILE AND SAY, NO THANK YOU! IF IT HAD BEEN ME, I WOULD
HAVE EMBARASSED THE YOUNG PERSON BY ASKING FOR THEIR MANAGER AND
DEMANDING THAT HE EXPLAIN WHY THE HELL HE IS FORCING HIS PEOPLE
TO EMBARRASS THEMSELVES THIS WAY, INSTEAD OF TREATING THE CUSTOMER
WITH RESPECT AND THINKING MAYBE THEY ACTUALLY ORDERED WHAT THEY
WANTED, AND DON’T NEED THEIR MORNING RUINED BY HAPPY-FACE SALES
PITCHES.
HERBIE IS OVER THIRTY YEARS OLD! THE STUPID MUFFINS AND DISGUSTING
PRETZELS ARE RIGHT THERE ON DISPLAY IN FRONT OF HIS TIRED AND HUDDLED
MASS. IF HE WANTED THEM, HE IS PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF OPENING HIS
YAP AND ASKING FOR THEM. INSTEAD, HE QUIT GOING TO THAT PARTICULAR
JUICE BAR. HE FIGURED THE ONE A MILE AWAY WOULD BE AN OKAY SUBSTITUTE,
BUT NOOOOOOOOO!
HERBIE GOES TO STORE “B” THE NEXT MORNING ON HIS BIKE,
WEARING HIS BIRKENSTOCKS, AND KABOOM, IDIOCY STRIKES TWICE. AT THIS
ESTABLISHMENT, THE MENU ON THE WALL INFORMS HIM THAT A CARROT JUICE
WITH A WHEATGRASS SHOT IS CALLED A “HOPPER”, SO SINCE
HE WANTS TO PLAY BALL WITH HIS NEW TORMENTORS, HE ASKS THE YOUNG
“DUDE” AT THE COUNTER FOR A “HOPPER.”
“DUDE” SAYS “WHAT?” HERBIE FEELS THE RICTUS
BEGINNING TO FORM ON HIS FACE, THAT GRIMACE THAT PEACENIKS MAKE
WHEN THEY REALLY WANT TO DO A SCREAMING VERBAL MELTDOWN, BUT INSTEAD
OF GOING WITH THAT EMOTION, THEY TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW THIS SITUATION
MIGHT BE THEIR FAULT SOMEHOW, LIKE THE DALAI LAMA TELLS THEM TO.
SO HE TRIES AGAIN. “A HOPPER.” AND THE GUY SAYS (YES YOU
GUESSED IT) “WHAT?” HE IS TREATING MY BOY HERBIE LIKE
HE IS ASKING FOR A FRIZZLE FRY OR A YO CAT OR A FNJORD. WHAT THIS
IS, IS THE CONTINUING DEGRADATION AND PERVERSION OF THE ENGLISH
LANGUAGE.
THINK ABOUT IT. A “HOPPER” IS A DEVICE THAT FEEDS GRAIN
FROM A SILO INTO A RAILROAD CAR, OR MEAT INTO A GRINDER. THE WORD
HAS A MEANING IN THE DICTIONARY, AND IT AIN’T A CARROT JUICE
WITH A SHOT OF WHEATGRASS. SO THE PROMO MORONS WHO DESIGNED THAT
STORE’S MENU MANAGED TO SHAFT THE SALESKID AND THE CUSTOMER
ALL AT ONCE, AND DOOMED THEM TO A DANCE OF ETERNAL NONCOMPREHENSION.
after all it is my system and i ought to know what the hell i
need to make it work. i know the guy is probably on commission..
but when i ask for 6 foot balanced cables i want 6 foot balanced
cables.. and not his opinion du jour.
I’VE GOT YOU FIVE BY FIVE.
is there some kind of therapy these kids can be sent to to cure
this condition or is it the result of too much prozac?
NO, AND NO.
yet another dave
I’LL TELL YOU, YETI, IF I KNEW HOW TO CURE THIS SYNDROME,
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WIPED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH SOME TIME AGO!
THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO THINK GLOBALLY AND ACT LOCALLY, THE PEACENIKS
ARE RIGHT ABOUT THAT MUCH. IN OTHER WORDS, GIVE YOUR HARD-EARNED
DOLLARS TO MERCHANTS WHO ACT RIGHT. THE BUMMER CAN BE THAT IF YOU
LIVE IN A SMALLER MARKET, YOU MAY NOT HAVE A LOT OF ALTERNATIVES.
WHICH BRINGS US TO MY FINAL POINT. PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT THE INTERNET
STEALING SALES FROM BRICK AND MORTAR OUTLETS. WELL, DUH! THESE ROBO-KIDS
ARE DRIVING US TO ORDER ANYTHING WE CAN WAIT A FEW DAYS FOR FROM
A CATALOGUE OR WEBSITE!
CHAIRMAN MAO SAID: ALL POWER GROWS OUT OF THE BARREL OF A GUN. NOT
ANYMORE, IT DOESN’T. IT GROWS OUT OF YOUR ATM CARD AND YOUR
CREDIT CARDS. WATCH WHERE YOU POINT THOSE THINGS!
LUV
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
