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Club Restrictions
Here is one of those situations that make you wonder about
your career choice, or where you are in your life path, to
be subjected to this kind of treatment.
Pay close attention, our buddy Brian is showing us how to
keep the disgustedness in check, and not resort to a brick
through the front window of this fine establishment …
OK try this one out...
HIT
ME WITH IT, BRI! LET ME HAVE IT!
You just found out the band you regularly mix for has a
gig at a 'new' or 'never played there before' club ...
SURELY THAT IS NOT AN
UNKNOWN EXPERIENCE FOR YOU – IS IT IN YOUR TOWN, OR
FAR AWAY?
So you lock out the night for the gig, then the band calls
you back and says “Uh, the club guy says 'no outside
soundman touches the board' but you can stand next to him
and assist."
AH, THAT’S BRUTAL,
BRIAN!
I CAN SEE WHY YOU ARE TICKED OFF.
BUT
DON’T FREAK OUT IF I TELL YOU THAT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT
HAPPENS IF YOU AND YOUR BAND GOES TO CONAN OR LETTERMAN OR
THE TONIGHT SHOW, OR ANY OF THE 99,000 AWARDS SHOWS.
SO, IN A WEIRD WAY, WHAT YOU ARE FACED WITH IS GOOD TRAINING
FOR THE BIG TIME! ALTHOUGH THOSE BROADCAST MIXERS USUALLY
HAVE A CONSCIENCE, AND SPEND A LITTLE TIME STUDYING THE RECORD.
I’M
ACTUALLY GOING TO HAVE MY OWN AWARDS SHOW NEXT YEAR!
IT’S
GOING TO BE CALLED “THE PEOPLE’S RADIO SCENE SUPERSTAR
VIBE-A-THON FOR PLAYERS AND SOUNDPERSONS.”
ALL
THE SERVILE TOOLS-OF-THE-MANUFACTURERS AUDIO MAGS ARE GOING
TO COVER IT, AND MY CO-HOSTS WILL BE ANN WILSON OF HEART,
MARTHA DAVIS OF THE MOTELS, AND THE NEW CHICK FROM EVANESCENCE.
I’M
PRETTY SURE SHE HAS A “THING” FOR ME!
(BUT
DON’T TELL THE OLD SOUNDWOMAN.)
And I reply, "Did you mention to the club I am a 'professional'
and do this for a living, know the band’s material backward
and forward, and have special cues for each song?"
OF
COURSE YOUR PALS DID! DIDN’T THEY?
They reply, "Sorry we get too many boneheads running
the board and screwing up things".... (gee thanks boneheads).
YEAH,
THANKS A LOT, BONEHEADS!
So there at the gig, I'm supposed to tell the house guy
-"OK, on this next chorus, hit the lead vocal with a
360 ms delay to trail off on his last note, then a big snare
hit, followed by a guitar solo..?"
MAY
I MAKE A SUGGESTION TO YOU, BRIAN? GO TO THIS CLUB AS A CUSTOMER
ONE NIGHT, AND STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION WITH THE SOUNDMAN.
TELL HIM EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE.
HAVE A COUPLE BEERS WITH
THE GUY, AND TELL EACH OTHER SOME TALES OF THE SOUNDMAN LIFE.
OF COURSE, IF THE CLUB IS FAR FROM YOUR HOME, THIS MAY NOT
BE PRACTICAL.
BUT IF IT’S NEARBY, GO AHEAD AND
DO YOUR BEST TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH THIS INDIVIDUAL WHO YOU
ARE BUSY DEMONIZING, JUST AS HE IS DEMONIZING YOU.
BECAUSE,
REALLY, WE ALL KNOW HE HAS A POINT, THERE ARE SO MANY BONEHEADS
OUT THERE RUNNING AROUND RUINING SONIC LIFE FOR EVERYONE WITHIN
EARSHOT OF THEIR HAM-HANDED HIJINKS.
BUT, HE IS TAKING
IT PRETTY FAR. AFTER ALL, HE IS NOT CONTROLLING A MAJOR NETWORK
PROGRAM GOING OUT TO MILLIONS OF PEOPLE EVERY NIGHT.
Ahhh forget it - I'd rather stay home and watch reruns
of the Twilight Zone.
Brian W
CAN I COME OVER AND WATCH WITH
YOU?
HOW ABOUT THE ONE WITH WILLIAM
SHATNER AS THE NUT WHO SEES THE APE
OUT ON THE WING OF THE OLD AIRLINER?
YEAH, YOU KNOW
EXACTLY WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT!
YOU HAVE
NOW ESTABLISHED YOURSELF AS A SOUNDMAN OF GREAT TASTE AND
DISCERNMENT.
I AM SURE THIS IS A ONLY A TINY, MOMENTARY,
STUMBLING BLOCK IN YOUR RAMPAGE TO GREATNESS!
LUV
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
