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Piano Gangsta
Hey Soundboy,
Wanna trade wits? I rule live piano. c'mon bitch.
Leo
DEAREST LEO -
I PRINTED YOUR LETTER TO DEMONSTRATE TO MY
READERS THAT I AM ACTUALLY A PRETTY STABLE, FRIENDLY GUY, AT LEAST
IN COMPARISON TO LEO HERE, WHO SEEMS TO THINK HE'S TRAPPED IN AN
ENDLESS RE-RUN OF "OZ" ON HBO.
OR DOES HE THINK
HE IS PART OF THE CAST OF "SOPRANOS"? I SEE A COMMON THREAD
MARCHING THROUGH THIS TYPE OF HBO PROGRAMMING, AIMED AT YUPPIES
WHO WANT TO THINK THEY ARE TOUGH GUYS, BEFORE THEY FALL ASLEEP AT
NIGHT, ONLY TO WAKE UP AND OBEDIENTLY MARCH OFF TO THEIR 9-TO-5
JOBS, WITH THEIR ULTRA-EDGY DON JOHNSON STUBBLE. THEY ARE LIKE THAT
YOUNG WHITE COMMUTER IN "OFFICE SPACE" - HOLLERING ALONG
TO GANGSTA RAP MUSIC ON HIS CAR RADIO, AND MAKING MENACING FACES,
UNTIL A BLACK PEDESTRIAN WALKS BY, WHEREUPON WHITEY TURNS THE RADIO
DOWN AND STARES STRAIGHT AHEAD.
I KNOW THE SHOW ON HBO THAT I WOULD LIKE TO BE ON! "TAXICAB
CONFESSIONS!" DOES THAT SHOW RULE OR WHAT? OH, YEAH. LEO. SELF-
ANOINTED KING OF THE PIANO WORLD. JUST BECAUSE I DROPPED THE NAME
OF HIS BIGGEST CLIENT IN A PREVIOUS RESPONSE, HE WANTS TO GET ALL
UP IN MY FACE LIKE SOME CRAZY KID FROM THE EAST VILLAGE.
YOU
CAN'T WIN WITH A GUY LIKE THIS. I CAN SAY, "SURE, LEO. YOU'RE
THE MAN, THE MAN ON PIANO!" AND THAT WON'T BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR
HIM. OR I CAN SAY - "HAVEN'T SEEN YOU ON THE BILLY JOEL GIG,
HAVE I, LEO?"
I CONTACTED A PSYCHIC SOLDIER TRAINED IN REMOTE VIEWING, AND ASKED
HIM TO CHECK OUT LEO. HIS REPORT CONTAINS REFERENCES TO A MYSTERIOUS
ROOM WITH PURPLE VELVET WALLPAPER, FILLED WITH VINYL RECORDS BY
GLENN GOULD AND RONNIE MILSAP. THERE WAS SOME KIND OF SHRINE TO
PHILLIP GLASS IN ONE CORNER, AND A HUGE PHOTO OF VOCAL EFX TERRORIST
DIAMANDA GALAS DOMINATED THE WHOLE SCENE. CANDLES WERE BURNING,
JOHN TESH MUSIC WAS PLAYING, AND LEO PIROUETTED SLOWLY AMONGST IT
ALL, BLOWING BUBBLES WHILE WEARING AN ELTON JOHN PIANO-KEYS TOREADOR
JACKET HE GOT ON E-BAY, AND SOME BLACK PANTERA TOUR SWAG SWEATPANTS.
I'M
SORRY, I HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE AT THE BLACK PANTERA SWEATPANTS!
THIS IS A FAMILY WEBSITE! I HAVE ONLY BEEN TO THE CLUBHOUSE ONCE
IN MY WHOLE LIFE! OKAY, I GOT MY HAND SLAPPED A FEW TIMES, SO WHAT?
THE ONE THING THAT LEO AND I HAVE IN COMMON IS THAT A GUY'S GOTTA
DO WHAT A GUY'S GOTTA DO.
AND THAT GOES FOR ALL YOU PIANO
GALS OUT THERE TOO!
ROCK ON!
LUV
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
