Subjective Opinions

We just keep getting more and more international around here all the time! I might have to break out my old Men At Work albums!

Dear Old Sound Man,

DON'T CALL ME DEAR!

The other night one of the bands I mix regularly had been asked to put on a club gig for a big time major label A & R guy, who was interested in hearing the band.

I THOUGHT NAPSTER SUCCEEDED IN GETTING RID OF ALL THOSE GUYS!
BACK IN THE DAY, EVERY GIG HAD A SMUG LITTLE CABAL OF THEM STANDING NEAR THE BACK OF THE ROOM, SO THAT THEY COULD MAKE A QUICK EXIT WHEN THEIR DEALER PAGED THEM, OR THE SHOW ENDED, WHICHEVER CAME FIRST. MAN, I DON'T BLAME INGER LORRE FOR TAKING A WHIZ ON THAT GUY'S DESK, AT ALL! BUT BACK TO AUDIO, RUDI!

As there were no other bands on the showcase, we got a lovely two hour sound check, during which time I tuned the PA to perfection,

AH, YOU ARE A VERY MODEST AUSTRALIAN, I SEE!

letting it sit with the singer’s voice as best as possible. I deliberately chose to build the mix around the singer, projecting the voice as far upfront as I possibly could without the mix sounding naked.

I even used some of OSM's tips on emphasising vocals!

RUDY, YOU ARE TOO KIND! I NEED TO SIT DOWN. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! I AM SITTING DOWN!

The gig went well - very well, in fact, and the label guy’s quite interested. What I don't understand is how, when I got out into the audience, upon asking a friend what she thought of the sound, she replied "Oh, it was alright, but I couldn't hear the vocals very well.

I almost kicked her.

RUDI, YOU CANNOT JOKE ABOUT KICKING WOMEN, THIS IS A FAMILY WEBSITE. SHE IS SOMEONE'S SISTER, SOMEONE'S DAUGHTER, RUDI! MAN, EASE UP A LITTLE BIT - STOP WATCHING "FIGHT CLUB" OVER AND OVER AND OVER!
WOULD I BE CORRECT IN GUESSING THAT YOUR FRIEND IS NOT AN AUDIO PROFESSIONAL?

My question is, what is it with these people? I mean, when I mix the vocals like 4dB higher than I usually do, they still can’t hear bloody vocals? I thought it was the best mix I've done in ages for this particular band.

I'M SURE IT WAS, RUDI! YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MAY HAVE TOTALLY DONE SO, AND YOU NEED TO BE STRONG WITH THAT, INSIDE YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT THE SHRINKS TELL US, DON'T YOU?
WE ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WE CAN CONTROL. US. OURSELVES. OF COURSE, IN YOUR CASE, WHAT PASSES FOR YOUR SELF IS A FESTERING, HOWLING ASSEMBLAGE OF CONFLICTING, EVEN POTENTIALLY VIOLENT, PERSONALITY FRAGMENTS.

BUT THAT'S OKAY! I USED TO BE THAT WAY, TOO!

IF I CAN CHANGE, YOU CAN CHANGE, RUDI! A YEAR FROM NOW, YOU'LL BE THINKING ABOUT KISSING WOMEN, INSTEAD OF KICKING THEM.

I THINK.

What are your thoughts on this phenomenon?

What should I say to these people that can't hear vocals?

Yours,

Rudi

Sound Engineer

Melbourne Australia

GO GENTLE ON THEM, RUDI. YOU NEED TO SMILE.

YOU DO KNOW HOW TO SMILE, DON'T YOU?

FIND THE PLACE OF PERFECTION DEEP, DEEP WITHIN YOU. STOP LISTENING TO SO MUCH RAMMSTEIN, TOO.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE ANGRY AT THIS WOMAN. SHE IS NOT TRYING TO FORCE YOU TO AGREE WITH HER. YOU DO NOT NEED TO GET MAD AT YOURSELF. BECAUSE YOU DO NOT ANY LONGER, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE SWINGING POCKET WATCH, YOU ARE GETTING SLEEPY, SLEEPY, YOU DO NOT HAVE A COMPULSIVE NEED TO MAKE HER SAY YOU ARE RIGHT!
SHE HAS YOUR OPINION, YOU HAVE YOURS. AND KICKING HER IS PROBABLY NOT GOING TO MAKE HER WANT TO AGREE WITH YOU, STUDIES HAVE SHOWN.

WE NORTH AMERICANOS HAVE AN OLD SAYING, THAT OPINIONS ARE LIKE (INSERT SLANG TERM FOR THE HUMAN BEING'S BUILT-IN SOLID WASTE OUTLET VALVE) EVERYBODY'S GOT ONE!

DO YOU SMELL WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS, RUDI? IF YOU LET PEOPLE TALKING SILLY RUIN YOUR DAY, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF RUINED DAYS.

A ROAD BUDDY SAID SOMETHING TO ME ONCE, THAT WAS LIKE A REVELATION. WHEN I MENTIONED THAT A CERTAIN MUSICIAN WAS LOOKING AT ME STRANGELY, MY FRIEND SAID VEHEMENTLY, OLD MAN, THEY ARE STRANGE PEOPLE!

REPEAT AFTER ME, RUDI. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

(I'M REFERRING TO ANY DISTRESSING BEHAVIOR OR STATEMENT THAT PEOPLE MAY PERPETRATE ON YOU.)

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, SOUNDMAN, AND REMEMBER THAT THE ODDITIES OF THE EVILDOERS ARE THEIR MENTAL PROPERTY, NOT YOURS, AND NO ONE CAN FORCE THEM INTO YOUR BRAIN UNLESS YOU ALLOW THEM TO!

SAY IT AGAIN, RUDI. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

OF COURSE, IF YOU ARE EVER STRAPPED TO A POST IN THE MIDDLE OF A COURTYARD AND A BUNCH OF GENTLEMEN WITH RIFLES ARE TAKING AIM AT YOU, AFTER YOU HAVE YOUR LAST SMOKE, YOU ARE PERMITTED TO VERY BRIEFLY THINK: THIS IS REALLY ABOUT ME! BUT ONLY UNDER THOSE EXACT CIRCUMSTANCES.

ONE LAST QUESTION, RUDI, AND THEN YOU CAN GO. HAVE YOU EVER "GOTTEN LUCKY" WITH THAT SINGER FROM THE DIVINYLS? YOU'RE MY IDOL!

LUV -

THE OLD SOUNDMAN