ProSoundWeb | National Tragedy

Dear Old Sound Man,

Because extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures, Abdul will take the initiative and reach out to you. Yea, it's been 109 days since you publicly shish-ke-bobbed Abdul for his supposed love affair with Sheryl Crow. And that Ernest Borgnine comment, that was both clever and vicious. But Abdul will forgive you, he's that kind of guy.

OSM HERE - LET'S BE CLEAR, ABDUL. YOU KNOW NOTHING OF FORGIVENESS. YOU JUST DON'T HAVE THE GUTS TO TRACK ME DOWN AND GO AT IT MANO A MANO! THE CLEVERNESS AND THE VICIOUSNESS ARE IN THE MIRROR, ABDUL! TAKE A LOOK, BUDDY, YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE WHAT YOU SEE! GUYS LIKE YOU ARE A DIME A DOZEN! I EAT GUYS LIKE YOU FOR LUNCH! WAIT A MINUTE - I DIDN'T MEAN THAT LIKE IT SOUNDED!

I READ YOUR BOOK, ROMMEL!

Your silence this past week speaks volumes. In the wake of the World Trade Center attack, leaders usually come forth. You have the byline, you have the duty to lead. Nothing to say? Are you that jaded and emotionally dry as a camel fart as not to shed a tear? What side are you on anyways? Abdul has Americanized the spelling of his last name to show his support of the red, white, and blew.

Fire one!
Abdul EQ

ABDUL, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THE SUBTLE IRONY AND RICHNESS OF MY PERSONAL VIEWS ON THE TRAGEDY. I HAVE DECIDED TO DROP BACK AND PUNT (THAT'S AN AMERICAN FOOTBALL TERM THAT YOU MAY NOT BE FAMILIAR WITH) AND REFER TO SOME OUTSTANDING THOUGHTS THAT I HAVE RECEIVED IN MY MAILBOX AND SEEN PUBLISHED ELSEWHERE.

AN EXCELLENT SUGGESTION I RECEIVED THIS MORNING:

WHAT TO DO WITH OSAMA BIN LADEN?

KILLING HIM WILL ONLY CREATE A MARTYR. HOLDING HIM PRISONER WILL INSPIRE HIS COMRADES TO TAKE HOSTAGES TO DEMAND HIS RELEASE.

THEREFORE, I SUGGEST WE DO NEITHER.

LET THE SPECIAL FORCES, SEALS OR WHATEVER, COVERTLY CAPTURE HIM, FLY HIM TO AN UNDISCLOSED HOSPITAL AND HAVE SURGEONS QUICKLY PERFORM A COMPLETE SEX CHANGE OPERATION.

THEN WE RETURN HER TO AFGHANISTAN TO LIVE AS A WOMAN UNDER THE TALIBAN.

___

I THOUGHT THAT SPOKE TO THE SITUATION IN A RELEVANT, YET EXTREMELY HUMOROUS WAY. I MEAN, A GUY LIKE YOU, WHO IS TALKING ABOUT CAMEL FARTS, IS NOT LOOKING FOR AN ANALYSIS LIKE YOU WOULD GET IN "THE NATION" - RIGHT?
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"THE BOONDOCKS" DAILY COMIC BY AARON MCGRUDER, OCT. 4TH, 2001

(THE YOUNG PROTAGONIST) HUEY CALLS THE FBI'S TERRORISM TIP LINE -

(HUEY) "I'M VERY SERIOUS, I KNOW OF SEVERAL AMERICANS WHO HAVE HELPED TRAIN AND FINANCE OSAMA BIN LADEN."

(FBI) "AND HOW DID YOU COME BY THIS INFORMATION?"

(HUEY) "A LITTLE INVESTIGATING. IT WASN'T THAT HARD, ACTUALLY."

(FBI) "OKAY, GIVE ME SOME NAMES."

(HUEY) "ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE ... THE FIRST ONE IS REAGAN, THAT'S R-E-A-G ... HELLO? HELLO?"

___

THAT HAD ME PERSONALLY ROTFMLOL - AND LASTLY, FROM THE INDIVIDUAL WHO CALLS HIMSELF TOM TOMORROW; HIS WEEKLY STRIP "THIS MODERN WORLD" RUNS IN FREE WEEKLIES NATIONWIDE -

(UNSEEN NARRATOR) "NOR CAN WE ALLOW DISSENTERS TO USE FREEDOM OF SPEECH AS AN EXCUSE TO UNDERMINE OUR UNITY!"

WOMAN - "I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW SPENDING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS ON A MISSILE DEFENSE SYSTEM IS USEFUL WHEN THE ENEMY IS ARMED WITH BOX CUTTERS!"

MAN (SHAKES FINGER AT WOMAN) - "ZIP IT, YOU UN-AMERICAN FREAK!"

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I THINK I CAN SAY, WITHOUT RISK OF WIDESPREAD DISAPPROVAL, IT IS A STAIN ON OUR COUNTRY WHEN INNOCENT PEOPLE, OR PLACES OF WORSHIP, ARE ASSAULTED BY IGNORANT WHITE JERKS. IT IS ALSO NAUSEATING WHEN CONGRESSWOMAN BARBARA LEE RECEIVES DEATH THREATS BECAUSE SHE VOTED HER CONSCIENCE ON THE WAR APPROPRIATIONS BILL.

I'M NOT SAYING I AGREE OR DISAGREE WITH HER STANCE, BUT I WILL ABSOLUTELY DEFEND HER RIGHT TO HAVE IT. IMO, SHE HAS MORE BALLS THAN ME, ABDUL, AND EVERY OPINIONATED CRETIN ON THE LAB PUT TOGETHER.

DO WE LIVE IN A FREE COUNTRY, OR DO WE ONLY HAVE THE FREEDOM TO AGREE WITH THE MILTARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX THAT PRESIDENT EISENHOWER SO ELOQUENTLY AND PASSIONATELY WARNED US TO KEEP AN EYE ON? CHECK OUT A KINESCOPE OF THAT SPEECH, IT IS VERY DEEP. AND PARTICULARLY MEANINGFUL, CONSIDERING HE WAS A MILITARY MAN HIMSELF.

WE HAVEN'T HEARD TALK LIKE THAT FROM ANYONE, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, WHO HAS OCCUPIED THE WHITE HOUSE AFTER HIM.

LUV MIXED WITH SADNESS - THE OLD SOUNDMAN