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Rack Monster
Join with me as I commiserate with our noble centurion Less, who is
trapped in a situation that many of us have suffered through. The person
he works for thinks that they know more about sound than the guy they
hired to handle sound for them. Probably invades restaurant kitchens,
too, and tries to tell the cook how to cook!
I have read your articles with great amusement, and have
always admired your witty and yet direct prose.
GO TO THE HEAD OF THE CLASS! FLATTERY WINS, EVERY TIME!
I hope you can help me with this small predicament.
YOU KNOW IT, LESS!
I am the monitor engineer for a reasonably successfull
rock band using IEM's,
IF YOU’RE WORKING, THAT IS ALWAYS GOOD, COMPARED TO
THE ALTERNATIVE.
… and am fortunate enough to be able to carry my
own console, and a small complement of outboard gear: a quad
gate, two compressors and two reverbs.
SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED, LESS!
I am quite happy with this equipment, as it is all of good
quality, and with it I am able to keep the mixes consistent
and the band happy.
THAT’S THE NAME OF THE GAME. BUT I GET THE FEELING YOU
ARE GOING TO TELL ME EVERYTHING IS NOT QUITE SO COPACETIC
AS IT SEEMS.
I don't need any more gear.
NOBODY NEEDS ANY MORE GEAR! THE UNIVERSE IS PERFECTLY BALANCED,
RIGHT NOW! EVERYTHING IS EXACTLY AS IT SHOULD BE!
One band member thinks I do.
OH, AND IF HE WRECKS THE PRECARIOUS EQUILIBRIUM THAT EXISTS
AT THIS VERY MOMENT, AND DESTROYS HUMANITY’S HOPE FOR
WORLD PEACE, HE DOESN’T CARE, AS LONG AS HE GETS HIS
NEW TOYS!
NICE GUY! I CAN SEE WHY YOU KILLED HIM AND BURIED HIM IN THE
COLD, COLD GROUND.
Despite the fact that he is quite happy with the mix I
am giving him, he seems to want me to have what would end
up being a 24 rack space monstrosity, full of comps, gates,
mic pre's and whiz bang digital thingies.
AND, HE WANTS YOU TO CARRY THIS BALANCED ON YOUR HEAD, LIKE
SOMEONE FROM A PRIMITIVE CIVILIZATION, RIGHT?
I am not an old soundman yet,
BE GRATEFUL FOR THAT, MY FRIEND! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHAT
MY FEET FEEL LIKE AT THE END OF A SHOW DAY? BELIEVE ME, YOU
WANT TO POSTPONE THOSE TERRIFYING SENSATIONS AS LONG AS YOU
CAN.
… but I am no longer thrilled with the prospect of
wrestling yet another piece of gear in and out of a bus bay
or trailer.
AMEN, BROTHER! THAT’S WHAT THE STAGEHAND KIDS ARE FOR,
WITH THEIR TATTOOS AND THEIR SHAVED HEADS. LAST WEEK, ONE
OF THEM WAS BRAGGING ABOUT MEETING BRIDGET THE MIDGET –
YOU KNOW WHO SHE IS, RIGHT, LESS?
IF YOU DON’T, MAYBE IT’S BETTER THAT WAY.
I have what I need and am quite happy with it.
SEE WHAT I MEAN?
Perhaps you recommend some witty phrases to dissuade this
person from further damaging my back, or the backs of our
stagehands.
Thank you,
Less is Good
WOW. WITTY PHRASES! HMMM …
HERE’S SOME YOU CAN USE ON MR. SMARTY:
“ I STICK MY NECK OUT FOR NOBODY.” – HUMPHREY
BOGART AS RICK, IN “CASABLANCA”
“YOU’RE NOT TOO SMART. I LIKE THAT IN A MAN.”
– KATHLEEN TURNER, TO WILLIAM HURT, IN “BODY HEAT”
“WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE.”
- STROTHER MARTIN, IN “COOL HAND LUKE”
“KLAATU BARADA NIKTO.” – PATRICIA NEAL,
TO GORT THE ROBOT, IN “THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL”
“FAT MAN, YOU SHOOT A GREAT GAME OF POOL.” –
PAUL NEWMAN, TO JACKIE GLEASON, IN “THE HUSTLER”
AND HERE’S ONE THAT SEEMS PARTICULARLY APPLICABLE TO
YOUR CURRENT SITUATION:
“UNTIL YOU DO RIGHT BY ME, EVERYTHING YOU THINK ABOUT
IS GOING TO CRUMBLE.” – WHOOPI GOLDBERG, IN “THE
COLOR PURPLE”
I WILL TRY TO THINK UP SOME OTHERS, ON MY OWN, BUT I HOPE
THESE WILL TIDE YOU OVER, LESS!
LUV
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
