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Lawyers and Open Mics
We don’t need Marx
and Lenin
to tell us about class distinctions, when we’ve got Todd
and Coydog!
Dean Old Man,
MY NAME’S NOT DEAN!
I'm a 23 year old law student at Yale,
and I discovered this summer that I really hate the practice
of law. I mean, I really hate it.
HERE IS WHAT YOU
SHOULD DO. TELL YOUR PARENTS TO SEND ME YOUR TUITION MONEY,
C/O MY BUDDIES HERE AT PROSOUNDWEB.COM, WHILE YOU GO “FIND
YOURSELF.” HOW’S THAT SOUND?
I WILL ANSWER
ANY QUESTIONS YOU SEND ME DURING THAT YEAR, FREE OF CHARGE,
DIRECT TO YOUR PERSONAL E-MAILBOX.
So much that the $500/day I'm earning isn't worth it to
me. Or is it?
DO
YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FEW SOUND MIXERS MAKE $500 A DAY? SCOVILL,
CUBBY, AND ME, THAT’S ABOUT IT, BRO!
ALSO, WHATEVER
ILLEGAL DESIGNER SUBSTANCES THAT YOU ARE UNDER THE INFLUENCE
OF, THAT ONLY YOU RICH KIDS KNOW HOW TO GET, YOU NEED TO IMMEDIATELY
DISCONTINUE THE USE OF THEM, AND THEN SEND YOUR ENTIRE STASH
TO ME FOR SAFEKEEPING.
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED. YOU NEED TO SPEND A DAY
BAREFOOT, SELLING LITTLE BOXES OF CHICLETS ON THE STREETS
OF TIJUANA. THAT’LL SEND YOU RUNNING BACK TO DADDYKINS
AND YALE
FASTER THAN I CAN SAY “LOAD THAT BOBTAIL, BUBBA!”
What I really want to do is open up my own recording studio.
And my own music store. And music website. I want to have
my fingers in as many musical pies as I have time for, and
I'm willing to work hard to do it.
THERE’S NO NEED TO TALK
DIRTY, TODD!
OR TO TALK CRAZY, LIKE YOU ARE ALSO DOING. WHO DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE, THE ARTIST ONCE AGAIN KNOWN AS PRINCE?
SNAP OUT OF IT, CHIEF! YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING TOO MANY DOUGLAS
MACARTHUR MOVIES!
THIS IS THE NEW MILLENIUM, AND THE WATCHWORD
IS SPECIALIZE, SPECIALIZE, SPECIALIZE. NICHE MARKETS, TODD!
But should I stick with law for a few years and earn some
money to invest in my businesses?
NO, SIT ON THE STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO LIKE ROBERT
CRUMB’S BROTHER, WITH A MONK’S BEGGING BOWL
IN YOUR LAP! AND EVERY SO OFTEN, EAT A TEN
FOOT STRIP OF COTTON, AND THEN PULL IT OUT OF YOUR SOUTHERN
APERTURE, LIKE HE ALSO DOES!
Or should I just start doing what I love now, by starting
small and working my way up financially?
BY ALL MEANS, IF YOU WANT TO END UP FORTY, BROKE, AND DEAF,
WITH MULTIPLE HERNIAS,
AND A LAWSUIT FROM SOME CRETIN WHO TRIPPED OVER YOUR SNAKE
AT A SHOW BECAUSE THEY WERE DRUNK OUT OF THEIR MIND.
Thanks so much for your advice,
Todd
TODD,
LISTEN TO THE NEXT GENTLEMAN’S STORY. THEN THINK ABOUT
WHAT YOU ASKED ME.
Old Sound Man,
WHAT’S
UP, COYDOG!
I run a weekly open mic in South Texas, situated in a lush
beer garden with back alley junkies and the smell of urine
... you know, a dream gig.
CAN YOU SEE IT, TODD? CAN
YOU SMELL IT?
By the time I get my equipment moved in and set up, I look
like somebody dumped a bucket of sludge water on me. Of course
the club pays me nothing to do it, but I get free beer.
WANT TO TRADE PLACES WITH COYDOG, TODD? WHY DON’T YOU
ASK HIM IF HE WOULD LIKE TO MAKE $500 A DAY, WITHOUT HAVING
TO KILL
SOMEONE, SERVICE THEM SEXUALLY,
OR SMUGGLE CONTRABAND WEAPONS
ACROSS STATE LINES?
Do you think my sweaty appearance is keeping me down?
ASK TODD TO LEND YOU HIS PINSTRIPE SUIT, HIS GEORGE
F. WILL LOOKIN’ SUSPENDERS AND – DON’T
TELL ME, LET ME GUESS – THE OBLIGATORY RED TIE!
Somebody's got to lift and haul the equipment right?
NOT OUR FRIEND
TODD! HE IS TOO BUSY PARTYING WITH SOME WEALTHY PRODUCER IN
STUDIO TODD 2000, OR GIVING AWAY ALL THE GEAR IN HIS “TODD’S
MUSIC” STORE TO SOME ROCK HOTTIE WHO BATTED HER BABY
BLUES AT HIM WHILE HE WAS SIPPING SOME PRETENTIOUS NEW BRAND
OF VODKA BACKSTAGE AT HER LAST SHOW.
I'm the only dumb ass I know that'll do it for free ...
please help me Old Sound
Man ...
Coydog
I’LL HELP YOU, COYDOG!
YOU TELL ME WHERE AND WHEN, AND I’LL BE THERE WITH MY
GUYS! WE WILL HUMP YOUR GEAR, I WILL BRING MY RACK OF SPECIAL
EFX, AND AFTERWARDS WE WILL BEAT THAT CHEAP-ASS OWNER WITHIN
AN INCH OF HIS LIFE!
THEN WE WILL DRIVE OFF IN HIS SUBURBAN, WITH THE STEREO BLASTING
ZZ TOP! YOU HAVEN’T LIVED UNTIL YOU HEAR ME SING “GOT
ME UNDER PRESSURE” WHEN I’VE GOT A BUZZ ON!
I’LL EVEN BRING YOU A CASE OF THAT VODKA THAT TODD DRINKS!
JUST ONE THING. I REGRET
TO ADD THAT, AT THE SOUND OF ME SNAPPING MY FINGERS, YOU WILL
WAKE UP AND YOU WILL NOT REMEMBER ANYTHING I JUST SAID!
LUV
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
