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Old Sound Homes
YOU’D THINK THERE OUGHT TO BE ONE, WOULDN’T
YOU? BECAUSE THERE ARE JUST GOING TO BE MORE AND MORE OF US
AS TIME GOES BY. BECAUSE WE BREED, Y’KNOW …
Dear Old Soundman, I am 50 years old.
SO WHAT?
I have been doing live mixes since 1975.
GREAT.
The local band I'm currently working for has landed
a development deal in Los Angeles.
WONDERFUL.
Over the past years, I have worked for bands and sound
companies. Locally I have an almost legendary rep.
PLUS, YOU ARE MODEST!
YOU SAW THAT ONE COMING A MILE AWAY, DIDN’T YOU?
I ASKED YOU A QUESTION, SOUNDMAN!
5 years ago I quit doing this (no medical, no pension)
and thru past band connections landed a job as a union laborer.
(I KNOW YOU CAN’T SEE ME, BUT I’M MAKING THAT
FINGER-VIOLIN-SAWING MOTION, YOU KNOW THE ONE I MEAN …)
WOULD YOU GET TO THE POINT, STARMAN??!! HAVE YOU BEEN HITTING
THAT STARDUST AGAIN?
A local band got ahold of me, and asked me to work
for them. I tried to discourage them by putting unusual demands
on them, such as 100 bucks a night, no loading OR unloading,
no set-up, no tear-down, transportation to and from gigs.
NOW THAT TRANSPORTATION PART IS UNUSUAL. NOT SURE I FOLLOW.
SO, IF YOU WANT TO GO HOME, YOU HAVE TO WAIT WHILE BILLY BIGHAIR
SUCKS DOWN ANOTHER PITCHER, AND KEEPS HITTING ON THE WAITRESSES?
I DUNNO, BAR STAR.
They still wanted to use me.
IF YOU DON’T INSIST ON GETTING HOME AT A DECENT HOUR,
WHY SHOULDN’T THEY?
They sucked, they were just awful.
WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?
They drew on my experience, now they are the top local
draw. We work 5 or 6 nights a week.
THAT IS PRETTY RIGHTEOUS, BAR STAR.
They have admittedly told me they are making it on
my ability to make them sound great.
WILL THEY PUT IT ON PAPER? THEN, GIVE THAT PAPER TO YOUR LAWYER
TO HOLD ONTO, IN CASE YOU MEET WITH A MYSTERIOUS DEATH SOME
NIGHT, AT THE HANDS OF THIS BAND. YOU KNOW THAT PERRY
MASON ISN’T AROUND ANYMORE, RIGHT, STARSKY?
In January, the band is going to L.A. to record, the
producer
(FAIRLY PROMINENT OLDER REPTILIAN SCAM ARTIST, NAME
WITHELD BY ME, THE OSM, ON ACCOUNT OF I DON'T WANT TO GET
SUED HERE)
has told the band to not bring techs out west, it will be
cheaper (less overhead) to find techs there. He said to leave
their boyhood friends at home.
THAT WASN’T VERY NICE!
So where do guys like me go?
MENDOCINO! WOODSTOCK? I GIVE UP, WHERE?
Am I over the hill?
ONLY IF YOU SAY YOU ARE, BAR STAR.
Is there an old sound guys’ home?
MAN, THAT WOULD BE SWEET, WOULDN’T IT?
I’M AFRAID IT’S A BIG NEGATORI ON THAT.
How much should I charge local bar stars, for a night’s
mix? Can I get more than a hundred?
I DON’T KNOW! CAN YOU?
THE NAVEL-STARING BEACHED WHALES OVER AT THE LIVE
AUDIO BOARD HAVE SPENT FAR TOO MUCH OF MR. TESLA’S
ALTERNATING CURRENT IN TALKING ABOUT EXACTLY THAT SUBJECT.
THEY HAVE TO BE THE MOST TEDIOUS BUNCH OF THEORISTS, WHO SPECIALIZE
IN OBEDIENTLY SERVING THE FASCIST INSECT, THAT I HAVE EVER
OBSERVED IN MY LONG AND SCHOLARLY LIFETIME OF INFORMAL STUDIES
IN CULTURAL ANTHROPOLOGY.
BUT THEY WILL BE HAPPY TO DISCUSS THIS WITH YOU, AD NAUSEUM.
MAKES MY HEAD HURT JUST TO THINK ABOUT THAT.
How do I get a hold of Taproot
and tell them I am available, or how do I get out of this
bar star, sound company rut and land one of those $1,500 a
week national gigs?
I KNOW OLD TAPROOT FROM WAY BACK. I CAN JUST NEVER REMEMBER
WHETHER I AM SUPPOSED TO CALL HIM “TAP,” OR “MR.
ROOT!” TRY:
TAPROOTINEXPLICABLYPAIDSMALLFORTUNETOSOUNDMAN.COM.
Is there a sound guy agent?
YES, THERE IS, AND HE’S A GREAT GUY. TELL HIM YOU’RE
A FRIEND OF MINE. LOOK AT SOUNDGUYAGENT.COM. HEY - DO YOU
KNOW HOW TO USE PAYPAL?
Is there a test I can pass?
Bar Star
PAL, YOU COULD PROBABLY WRITE THE TEST! AND WHEN YOU DO, COULD YOU GIVE
IT TO YOUNG MARK HERE, I THINK HE NEEDS IT.
Here's one to hit out of the ballpark...
IT’S THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH! AND COACH IS PUTTING ME
IN, HE’S GIVING ME A CHANCE! I TAKE A BIG SLUG OF GATORADE,
MY TEAMMATES GATHER AROUND, SLAPPING ME ON THE SHOULDER, SHOUTING
ENCOURAGEMENT, AND I TROT OUT TO HOME PLATE.
I got a classic rock cover band that insists they
use their one and only reverb/efx processor for adding a hefty
amount of ambience to their vocals in the monitor mix.
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOUNDBOYS THAT THIS IS
A FREE COUNTRY, AND YOU MUST DO THE EVIL WILL OF THE IDJIT
WHO IS PAYING YOU!
I just can't seem to convince them that dry is good,
and they are the rare group that is non-conformist.
I HATE TO DESTROY YOUR ARGUMENT, BUT THEY WILL PROBABLY NEVER
READ THIS. TONS OF YOUNG PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD WANT REVERB
IN THEIR MONITORS, AND A FEW OF THEIR ELDERS, TOO. NOW, DOES
THAT MAKE YOUR LIFE HARDER? YES, IT DOES, SOUNDMAN MARK!
IF YOU WANTED EASY, YOU SHOULD HAVE LOOKED FOR A JOB AS A
MATTRESS TESTER, LIKE JETHRO
BODINE!
Any additional wisdom from the OSM is welcome.
- Mark
HAVE YOU TRIED THE OLD HORSE HEAD ON THE BEDCOVERS TRICK?
LUV
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
