HELLO, CLYDE, OLD SOUL!

I PRESS MY FINGERTIPS TO MY TEMPLES. I PUT ON MY TURBAN. SOMEBODY TURNS THE GIANT BOTTLE UPSIDE DOWN THAT I FLOAT WITHIN, AND THE 8-BALL ROTATES SLOWLY INTO VIEW BEARING YOUR ANSWER.

TWO LETTERS. EQ. I SENSE VERY CLEARLY THAT WHEN YOU TURN UP YON GIT-TAR, UP COME SOME FUNKY FREQUENCIES. SINCE I AM NOT THERE WITH YOU TO DIAGNOSE WHICH ONES ARE PLAGUING YOUR EMPLOYERS, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOME EXPERIMENTING.

SINCE YOU SAY YOU ARE RUNNING SOUND FOR A BAND, RATHER THAN FOR A MAJOR SOUND COMPANY, I FEAR THAT YOU ARE LACKING ONE OF THOSE MOST MAGIC OF WANDS, KNOWN AS THE ADJUSTABLE HIGH-PASS-FILTER (HPF.) DOES YOUR BOARD HAVE NONE? MAYBE JUST A PUSH-BUTTON SHELVING VERSION, NEAR THE TOP OF THE STRIP, LABELED 80 OR 100 HZ?

PUSH THAT IN, CLYDE. (IN FACT YOU SHOULD BE PUSHING IT IN PRETTY MUCH EVERYWHERE EXCEPT BASS, KICK, KEYBOARD, AND FLOOR TOM, BUT THAT IS A WHOLE ‘NOTHER SERMON.) ROCK BANDS GENERATE A DARK ROILING FLOOD OF JUNK SOUND THAT WASHES AROUND THE FLOOR OF THE STAGE THEY PLAY ON DOWN AT BARRY’S BEER SCHTUBE BUFFET. WHERE IS YOUR GUITAR MIC, CLYDE? RIGHT DOWN IN IT! AM I RIGHT? YOU KNOW IT, YOU BLAZING HOT CHICKEN PICKER, YOU.

SO STEP #1 IS TO STRIP AWAY THAT LOW STUFF. IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY HPF AT ALL, YOU MAY START VERY GENTLY ROLLING THE LOW FREQUENCY KNOB DOWNWARD ON JOHNNY GUITAR’S CHANNEL. KEEP GOING UNTIL IT SOUNDS CLEAR AND CHAINSAW-LIKE.

BUT WAIT! WHAT’S THIS? I SEE YOU, CLYDE, SO CLEARLY, IN MY MIND’S EYE! YOU ARE THROWING YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR AND SHOUTING “OLD MAN, THAT’S NOT MY PROBLEM! THE GUY’S GUITAR IS SO HIGH-ENDY THAT WHEN I TURN HIM UP, DOGS BEGIN TO BARK, ALL OVER MY NEIGHBORHOOD!” WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO IN THE FIRST PLACE, CLYDE?

WHAT YOU REALLY, REALLY NEED IN THAT CASE IS A THING CALLED A PARAMETRIC EQ. AND MAYBE YOU’VE GOT ONE! THAT IS THE INTERACTIVE PAIR OF ADJUSTERS IN WHICH ONE HAS FREQUENCIES LISTED ON IT, AND ITS PARTNER HAS +/- VARIOUS DB NUMBERS ON IT.

THE WAY TO SEEK AND DESTROY THE FREQUENCY IRRITATING YOUR BUDDIES IS TO SET THE MINUS GUY AT LEAST HALFWAY DOWN, TO THE 9 O’CLOCK POSITION (SINCE I DON’T THINK YOU ARE ON ONE OF JIM GAMBLE’S DEMONIC BACKWARDS SCULPTURES, NEVER MIND, WHY DID I HAVE TO BRING THAT UP!) SO THAT YOU ARE KNOCKING DOWN AT LEAST 6 DB.

THEN YOU HAVE HAIR BOY START PLAYING, WHILE YOU SLOWLY SWEEP YOUR FREQUENCY SELECTER FROM AS LOW AS IT GOES, UP INTO THE HIGHER SLOPES OF THIS MUSICAL EVEREST. WHEN YOU HIT THE TROUBLE SPOT, AND IT GOES AWAY, YOU WILL FEEL A THRILL UNLIKE ANY YOU HAVE EVER KNOWN. GETTING MARRIED, YOUR FIRST BORN CHILD, ALL THAT WAS COOL, BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT, CLYDE.

EVERYTHING SHIFTS INTO SLOW MOTION, THE SMOKE MACHINE FIRES UP, THE DANCING GIRLS PRANCE OUT, AND THE OTHER GUYS TURN TO YOU, EYES WIDE OPEN, SUDDENLY THEY SEE THAT YOU ARE A SOUNDMAN, NOT JUST SOME GUY WHO IS THERE FOR THE FREE BEER. THEY SHOUT “THAT’S IT! THAT’S IT!!! HOW DID YOU KNOW?”

NOW, IF YOU ONLY HAVE FIXED FREQUENCY ROCKET TUNERS THERE, YOUR JOB WILL BE MUCH MORE ARDUOUS. YOU WILL HAVE TO SEE HOW THE MIDS AND THE HIGHS INTERACT WITH ONE ANOTHER. MANY, MANY, GUITARISTS PLAY WITH RIDICULOUSLY ANGULAR AND PIERCING TONES, JUST TO HEAR THEMSELVES OVER THE SONIC VOMIT THAT SURROUNDS THEM, GENERATED BY THEIR DRUNKEN AMIGOS THRASHING AWAY ON THE BASS AND DRUMS, AND LITTLE MISTER TOTALLY-OUT-OF-TUNE HOWLING THROUGH A BUNCH OF CRAPPY WEDGES.

BUT THE TREBLE THEY NEED UP THERE, BLASTING AT THE BACKS OF THEIR ANKLES (WHICH IS WHERE MY EARS SURE ARE, I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOURS) IS UNGODLY PAINFUL THROUGH THE MAINS, SO OFTEN YOU WILL BENEFIT FROM JUST ROLLING SOME – OKAY, A LOT OF - TOP END OFF THEIR CHANNEL, IF YOU DO NOT HAVE PARAMETRICS.

HAVE I HELPED YOU? HAVE I ENTERTAINED YOU? HAVE YOU DECIDED TO SEEK A CAREER IN BODY BUILDING, GO-KART RACING, EXOTIC MICROPHONE COLLECTING, PRAIRIE DOG BREEDING, JAM BAND BOOTLEG SELLING, ANYTHING UNDER THE SUN, EXCEPT TRYING TO HELP THESE BUFFOONS WITH THEIR SOUND?

IT’S NOT A WINNING PROPOSITION, CLYDE.

LUV –

- THE OLD SOUNDMAN