Here's one for ya. How do you get the friggin' guitar player
to turn down?
MONEY. THAT’S THE ONLY WAY.
HAVEN’T YOU EVER HEARD B.B. KING’S SONG “PAYIN’
THE COST TO BE THE BOSS?” KNOWING YOU, YOU ARE PROBABLY
ONLY FAMILIAR WITH PAT BENATAR’S VERSION. THESE LADY
SINGERS CAN BE MEAN MISTREATERS, TOO!
PAY A GUITARIST ENOUGH, AND THEY HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU SAY.
YOU THINK MADONNA’S GUITARIST GIVES HER ANY GRIEF WHEN
SHE TELLS HIM TO TURN DOWN?
“IS THIS ENOUGH, MA’AM?” THAT’S WHAT
HE SAYS.
HE LIKES THAT MOOLAH!
YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT, B.B.!
He's got smaller amps, but never brings one.
SEE, B.B., THERE’S YOUR PROBLEM. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD
THE EXPRESSION, “YOU ONLY HURT THE ONES YOU LOVE?”
THAT’S THE STORY OF YOUR GUITARIST PAL’S LIFE.
HE DOESN’T RESPECT YOU, BECAUSE YOU HAVE KNOWN HIM TOO
LONG. YOU HAVE EATEN SO MANY FAST FOOD MEALS TOGETHER, RELIEVED
YOURSELVES BEHIND SO MANY DUMPSTERS, PERHAPS EVEN SHARED THE
SAME LOT LIZARD IN SOME MOTEL NEXT TO A TRUCK STOP! (SORRY,
LADIES!)
We work without a soundman, since there's only five of
us and a little (POPULAR CLUB CONSOLE) for vocals with
(SOME CERTAIN AMPS AND SPEAKERS) and short short money
for gigs.
NOW THAT PHRASE – “SHORT SHORT MONEY.”
THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE BEGINNINGS OF A SONG!
I THINK YOU’VE GOT SOMETHING THERE, THINK ABOUT IT!
HOW ABOUT: “YOU KNOW I’VE ONLY GOT THAT SHORT,
SHORT MONEY, BABY, BUT I’VE GOT A LONG WAY TO GO …”
WHAT RHYMES
WITH “GO?”
“I’M REALLY LOW ON DOUGH”
UHHH …
“I AM HONORED TO BE YOUR BEAU?”
“I’M REALLY HURTIN’, BRO!”
“ I CAN’T AFFORD ANY REEFER OR BLOW!”
I DON’T THINK MR. ASHCROFT WOULD LIKE THAT LAST ONE,
B.B.!
MAYBE “THE TOILET’S ALL STOPPED UP – I JUST
CAN’T SEEM TO RE-ESTABLISH THE FLOW – IF IT GETS
ANY WORSE, BABY, I’M GOING TO HAVE TO CALL MY PLUMBER
NAMED JOE!”
MAYBE YOU CAN FIGURE OUT SOMETHING TO DO WITH “PLATEAU,”
THAT’S A GOOD WORD.
Gee, I came home with $35 Friday and that was after cleaning
out the tip jar.
WORK THAT INTO THE SONG, MAN!
“JUST 35 DOLLARS, BABY, BUSINESS IS JUST SO SLOW…”
We always videotape the gigs and even though he sees them,
he is consistently too loud.
B.B., DON’T YOU GET IT? HE REALLY LIKES THE WAY HE SOUNDS!
THAT’S WHY HE DOES IT, OVER AND OVER AGAIN!
Any ideas short of firing him or lumpin' him up in the
parking lot?
We're too old for the former, too lazy for the latter.
B.B.
YOU AND THE OTHER GUYS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DO AN INTERVENTION.
LIKE THEY DO WITH DRUNKS AND JUNKIES, WHERE ALL THE PEOPLE
WHO LOVE THEM GET TOGETHER AND BARGE IN ON THEM.
IF HE HAS A WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND, WORK IT OUT WITH HER. EARLY
ONE WEEKEND MORNING, SHE GOES TO THE BATHROOM. YOU GUYS ARE
WAITING IN THE ALLEY. SHE RAISES AND LOWERS THE WINDOW SHADE
THREE TIMES, AND LEAVES THE BACK DOOR UNLOCKED.
YOU RUSH IN WITH HALLOWEEN COSTUMES ON, AND START BEATING
HIM WITH THE PILLOWS. YOU ALL START SHOUTING “WE ARE
PATRONS OF THE LOCAL WATERING HOLE AND YOU PLAY TOO FRIGGING
LOUD! YOU’D BETTER STOP IT, OR WE ARE GOING TO GET THE
OWNER TO STOP HIRING YOUR BAND!”
THEN RUN OUT WHILE HE IS STILL HALF ASLEEP AND HASN’T
NOTICED THE PECULIAR SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE VOICES OF THESE
ALLEGED PATRONS AND YOU GUYS. I THINK THAT OUGHT TO WORK.
UNLESS HE JUST GOES BACK TO SLEEP AND DECIDES HE DREAMED THE
WHOLE THING.
THAT’S A CHANCE YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE.
LUV –
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
MY MAN MATT IS SEVERELY– SEVERELY! – DELUDED…
Dear OSM,
Just sitting here at the old computer reading your newest
brain droppings, including the article where you suggested
to brother Monte a delightful little butt-thumping rig to
be GAFF TAPED to the pierced and shaven energy drinkin’
asses of the patrons of a local dance club. I think that it's
quite obvious that the most important question anyone could
have about this rig is...
"Where the hell are you getting Gaff Tape for $5?"
I mean really - five dollars? Is it the cheap duct tape style
gaff that people try to pass off as the real gaffer, or the
soft soothing black cloth tape that I've made all of my bed
linens out of?
THE LATTER. WE CALL IT “MOVIE” GAFF, IN THE EXALTED
CIRCLES THAT I MOVE IN, AND THAT YOU ONLY ASPIRE TO.
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT BEING A REAL GAFFER
FOR FILM OR TELEVISION? MAN, THEY MAKE A TON OF DOUGH, MATT!
PLUS THEY WALK AROUND WITH ABOUT TEN DIFFERENT ROLLS OF TAPE
HANGING OFF THEIR BELT, ON PRETENTIOUS CARABINERS. IT’S
LIKE BEING A COP OR A GUNFIGHTER.
WELL, THAT’S WHAT THEY TELL THEMSELVES, ANYWAY.
THEY GOT GLOW TAPE, SPIKE TAPE, LABELLING TAPE, YOU NAME IT!
THEY MIGHT HAVE TAPEWORMS,
FOR ALL I KNOW!
THEY AND THEIR BUDDIES THE “GRIPS” HAVE THESE
COOL TRUCKS
THAT THEY DRIVE AROUND REALLY EARLY IN THE MORNING, BEFORE
DAWN, HOPPED UP ON COFFEE AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE, TO THE
SOUNDSTAGES OR LOCATIONS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN “APPLE
BOX” IS, MATT?
HAVEN’T YOU EVER WORKED ON A FILM OR VIDEO PRODUCTION?
MAN, YOU’VE GOTTA STEP UP IN THE WORLD, AND AN APPLE
BOX IS JUST THE THING TO STAND ON!
Just wondering, I do love my Gaff Tape.
All HAIL the GREAT and WISE Leader and Prophet... OSM
Yours,
Matt
NOW YOU’RE TALKIN’, BRO!
NOW YOU’RE READING FROM THE SCRIPT!
SEE, YOU’RE NOT A SOUNDMAN, A GRIP, OR A GAFFER –
YOU’RE AN ACTOR!
LIGHTS, CAMERA, STARDOM, THAT’S WHAT I SEE FOR YOU,
MATT MY MAN!
LUV –
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
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