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Dear OSM,
DON’T CALL ME “DEAR.”
THAT REALLY THREATENS MY MASCULINITY. THE ONLY PEOPLE ALLOWED TO CALL
ME “DEAR” ARE MY WIFE, THE OLD SOUNDWOMAN, AND ONCE IN A
WHILE, MY MOM, THE REALLY OLD SOUNDWOMAN.
GOT THAT, SOUNDMAN?
Is it possible, or even preferable, to avoid manufacturers recommended
settings with loudspeaker DSP processors?
IS IT POSSIBLE? YES. IS IT PREFERABLE?
WHY HAVEN’T YOU READ MY PREVIOUS DISCOURSE ON
SPEAKER
PROCESSORS?
HOW QUALIFIED ARE YOU TO MAKE THESE DECISIONS, ANYWAY?
HAVE YOU SPENT EXTENSIVE AMOUNTS OF TIME EXPERIMENTING WITH VARIOUS
SPEAKERS, IN AN UNPRESSURED NON-GIG ENVIRONMENT, WHERE YOU CAN REALLY
LISTEN, MAYBE EVEN LOOK AT AN RTA?
DO YOU EVEN KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REAL-TIME ANALYZER AND
A HOLE IN THE GROUND? OH, NOW I’M GOING TOO FAR! I’M SORRY,
I BET YOU HAVE BEEN USING AN RTA SINCE THE AGE OF TEN! DID YOU KNOW
THAT TOO SHORT’S REAL NAME IS “TODD?”
HAVE YOU USED ALL MAJOR BRANDS OF SPEAKERS? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHICH
MANUFACTURERS ACTUALLY HAVE SENSIBLE SETTINGS? QUICK – SALSA
FRESCA OR SALSA VERDE?
ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE NOT TRYING TO BE A BAD-ASS COWBOY, BECAUSE
YOU ARE STILL MAD AT YOUR FATHER OVER UNRESOLVED ISSUES FROM YOUR
CHILDHOOD, AND THE TRUTH IS YOU JUST WANT TO EXPRESS YOUR DEFIANCE
BY NOT GOING WITH THE FACTORY PROGRAM?
HERE ARE A FEW SIMPLE STEPS. IF THE SPEAKERS SOUND FINE WITH
THE SUGGESTED PARAMETERS, THEN JUST GET YOUR HEAD STRAIGHT, OUT
BACK IN THE ALLEY, AND GO IN THERE AND MIX THE SHOW LIKE A MAN!
IF THE SPEAKERS DO NOT SOUND RIGHT AND YOU CAN ACCESS THE DSP, THEN
BY ALL MEANS, CHANGE THE CROSSOVER POINTS OR DRIVE LEVELS OF THE
DIFFERENT FREQUENCY RANGES. ALSO, LISTEN TO COMMON SENSE SUGGESTIONS
BY SOMEONE WHO IS FAMILIAR WITH THE RIG OR THE ROOM, UNLESS THEY
KEEP EXCUSING THEMSELVES TO RIDE THEIR BIKE SOMEWHERE JUST A FEW
MINUTES AWAY, AND COME BACK HIGHLY ANIMATED AND EXTREMELY THIRSTY
(I AM NOT MAKING THIS SCENARIO UP, BY THE WAY.)
Or should the whole world just go back to passive crossovers
and full range speakers?
NOW YOU ARE TRYING TO BE FUNNY. THAT’S MY JOB.
OKAY, I’LL PLAY ALONG.
SURE PAL! BACK TO PASSIVE FULL RANGE SPEAKERS!
IF YOU EVER PASS THROUGH MY CLUB, DO YOURSELF AND THE BAND
YOU ARE WITH A FAVOR AND DO NOT IDENTIFY YOURSELF AS THE AUTHOR
OF THIS MESSAGE.
Would ever consider a fully digital console in your own venue?
Or does the thought of all those 1's and 0's just give you goose
bumps?
YOU ARE STILL TRYING TO BE FUNNY, JASON.
WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?
YOU STICK TO ASKING THE QUESTIONS, AND ME AND CARROT TOP WILL PROVIDE
THE HUMOR, OK? DO I HAVE TO SEND THE DICE MAN AND THE GHOST OF SAM
KINISON OVER TO YOUR HOUSE, TO WHACK UP ON YOU?
I WILL BUY A DIGITAL CONSOLE IN THE YEAR 2010, AFTER THEY HAVE ONE
THAT DOESN’T LOCK UP ON YOU. EVER.
NO DIGITAL DISTORTO-FARTING. NO UNCOMMANDED FADER EXCURSIONS. NO
MAGIC DISAPPEARING MIX FOR A MOMENT HERE OR THERE.
Cheers,
Jason
OH, HOW CONTINENTAL WE ARE TODAY!
YOU PROBABLY DRINK NEWCASTLE, AM I RIGHT? OR BASS, OR HARP, OR SOME
NONSENSE LIKE THAT, WHILE THERE ARE ONLY LIKE TWENTY REALLY GOOD
AMERICAN MICROBREWS. YOU GO TO SOME BAR NEAR YOUR HOUSE WITH A UNION
JACK ON THE AWNING, AND YOU IMPRESS YOUR AEROSMITH FANGIRL BY ORDERING
BANGERS AND MASH, AND SOME SAMUEL SMITH TADDY PORTER!
I’VE GOT YOU PEGGED, JASON. YOU AND YOUR GOLDEN FLEECE. YOU
AND YOUR HOCKEY MASK. YOU AND YOUR SCORCHERS.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
LUV
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
