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Diversity Dept.
Dear OSM: Why is "michael" the way he is? (Go ahead,
I dare you.)
YOU DARE ME???
HEY, LOOK IN THE MIRROR, HOMES!
WHY DON’T YOU USE YOUR REAL NAME?
I “DARE’” YOU TO! LIKE I CARE.
IF YOU WERE ACTUALLY READING THE LAB REGULARLY, INSTEAD OF ONLY
CHECKING IT OUT ONCE A MONTH, WHEN YOU CATCH A WICKED BUZZ FROM
THOSE GENERIC BEERS YOU BUY AT SAM’S CLUB, MIXED WITH THE EPHEDRINE
TRUCKER PILLS YOU BUY AT THE AM/PM MINI-MART, YOU WOULD KNOW THAT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, THE INDIVIDUAL YOU ARE REFERRING TO
HAS ONLY EVER SAID COMPLIMENTARY THINGS ABOUT ME!
SO WHY WOULD I WANT TO JOIN YOUR FURTIVE CAMPAIGN AGAINST HIM? FOR
THE RECORD, NEVER MET THE GUY, DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HIM, BUT
THIS IS AMERICA, TL-WANNABE, WE SUPPORT PEOPLE’S RIGHTS TO
HAVE OPINIONS WHETHER OR NOT WE AGREE WITH THEM.
All the love in the world,
Tony Lewis-Wannabe
I HATE TO BE THE ONE TO TELL YOU, BUT THE CIA DID NOT BREAK UP THE
BEATLES. IT IS TRUE THAT THE FBI REALLY HASSLED JOHN LENNON, BECAUSE
HE HAD THE GUTS TO STAND UP FOR JOHN SINCLAIR, BUT ALL THAT OTHER
STUFF? IT WASN’T THE FAULT OF YOKO OR LINDA, IT WAS JUST AN
UGLY COMBINATION OF MONEY, LIMITLESS DRUGS AND ALCOHOL, AND THE
FACT THAT THE FAB FOUR DID NOT COME FROM WEALTHY FAMILIES, SO THEY
DID NOT KNOW HOW TO ACT RIGHT.
RINGO IS OK NOW, BUT WE ALMOST LOST HIM THERE FOR A WHILE. GEORGE
WASN’T A BAD GUY. “SIR” PAUL? HE WILL NEVER IN HIS
ROYAL LIFE WRITE A SONG AS GOOD AS THE WAITRESSES’ “I
KNOW WHAT BOYS LIKE.” THAT IS MUSIC, PAL!
I DON’T KNOW TONY LEWIS. ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THE BALD COUNTRY
GUY? MAN, YOU NEED TO GIVE IT A REST. GET YOUR WANNABE WOMAN AND
GET INTO THE HILL COUNTRY FOR SOME SNAKE HANDLING, OR WHITE LIGHTNING,
OR TO ROLL IN THE MUD, I DON’T KNOW.
ALL I AM SURE OF IS THAT I AM SICK OF YOUR UNWILLINGNESS TO DO WHAT
YOUR IDOLS IN THE BEATLES SAID, TO JUST LET IT BE.
LET MICHAEL BE MICHAEL, YOU BE YOU, I BE ME, TOOL BE TOOL, A PERFECT
CIRCLE BE A PERFECT CIRCLE, A 58 BE A 58 – DO YOU HEAR ME BREATHING,
TL-W?
DON’T LET ME CATCH YOU IN MY BACKYARD AGAIN!
I’LL LET THE DOGS OUT!
LUV
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
