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Bitchin' n' Boxes
i recently met a guy like you who remembers the day monitors were turned around did sound for elvis in hawaii and bitches all day long about how everything is overpriced and underdesigned
let me just say thanks for being old school
it's guys like you i would like to learn from the old man style
who fix the problem
not the symptoms
peace
bryan roberts
ps-what boxes do you like and use?
PEACE TO YOU, BRYAN MY BOY! BUT WHY THE POETICS? WHAT'S
WITH THE LOWER-CASE ACTION? THIS IS NOT A CHAT ROOM, AND YOU ARE NOT
K.D. LANG OR E.E. CUMMINGS!
I NEVER DID SOUND FOR THE KING, AND I AM NOT SURE WHICH DAY IN HISTORY
THE MONITORS WERE TURNED AROUND. ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN'T KILL BING
CROSBY?
I HAVE TURNED A LOT OF MONITORS OVER SO THAT THE GRILLS ARE DOWN ON
THE STAGE, WHEN SHUTTING DOWN A MULTI-DAY FESTIVAL FOR THE NIGHT.
YES, I KNOW OF THE GAFF TAPE AND YE OLDE SPACE BLANKETS, WRAPPING
THE CONSOLES FOR THE EVENING. THEN BACK TO THE MOTEL, AND THE PAIN
PILLS.
WHAT BOXES DO I LIKE TO USE? WELL, THERE ARE MARLBORO MEDIUMS IN THE
BOX, THOSE ARE GOOD. I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT I AM NOT INSISTING ANY
SOUND CHILDREN START SMOKING. UNLESS, TO QUOTE PENN AND TELLER'S SHOW-ENDING
BIT, "YOU WANT TO LOOK REALLY, REALLY COOL!"
I ALSO ENDORSE THE PURCHASE OF BOX DRINKS, TO SAVE GLASS AND PLASTIC.
SOY MILK, FRUIT JUICES, EURO-MILK, GATORADE, THEY'RE ALL GOOD. I MAY
NOT DRINK WINES AS EXPENSIVE AS THOSE WHICH KEN BERGER CONSUMES, BUT
ADMITTEDLY I DO DRAW THE LINE AT BUYING WINE IN A BOX. RAVENSWOOD
LODI ZINFANDEL AND BUENA VISTA SAUVIGNON BLANC ARE MAINSTAYS WITH
MYSELF AND THE OLD SOUNDWOMAN.
I ALSO LIKE THOSE PLASTIC STORAGE BOXES, ABOUT YAY BIG, WITH EITHER
FLAP CLOSURES OR LIDS. THOSE ARE ONE OF THE GREATEST INVENTIONS OF
MY LIFETIME. YOU SEE PEOPLE ALL OVER (CAN YOU SAY "BAND IN A
VAN," THREE TIMES QUICKLY?) USING THEM FOR XLR CABLE, CLAWS,
D.I.'S, HEADPHONES, CONSOLE CHARTS, SPIKE TAPE, SHARPIES, FLEX CUFFS,
I MEAN CABLE TIES, YOU NAME IT, AM I RIGHT? OF COURSE I'M RIGHT!
I DO BITCH ALL DAY, YOU'VE GOT ME THERE. ONE OF THE WORST PARTS OF
MY BEHAVIOR IS WHEN AN INNOCENT NEW FRIEND ATTEMPTS TO WATCH A HOME
THEATRE PRESENTATION WITH ME. I AM THE GREATEST FILM DIRECTOR IN THE
ENTIRE U.S., WHO HAS NEVER MADE A FILM. BUT THAT IS A MERE TECHNICALITY.
IT IS I WHO AM THE FINAL JUDGE OF SOUND FOR FILM, AS WELL AS THE CINEMATOGRAPHY,
ACTING, EDITING, OVERDUBBING AND SOCIO-POLITICAL AND CULTURAL ASSESSMENTS
AND ANALYSIS. AND, I DO NOT HESITATE TO VERBALIZE MY OPINIONS AT ALL
TIMES.
OTHERS CLAIM THAT THIS SOMEHOW "RUINS" THE VIEWING EXPERIENCE
FOR THEM!
I TELL THEM THE LAST TIME I CHECKED THIS IS AMERICA AND I AM FREE
TO SAY WHAT I THINK! NOT TO MENTION THAT IT'S MY HOUSE AND A MAN'S
HOUSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE HIS CASTLE. OF COURSE, IF THE OLD SOUNDWOMAN
IS AROUND, I GO KIND OF LIGHT ON THAT ANGLE. BUT HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT'S
GREAT ABOUT THIS COLUMN, COMPARED TO THE ANIMAL-EXPERIMENTATION RESEARCH
PROJECT GONE HAYWIRE KNOWN AS THE LIVE AUDIO BOARD, IS THERE IS NO
DAVE STEVENS OR DOUG FOWLER AROUND TO TELL ME I'M "OFF-TOPIC!"
I'VE GOT YOUR OFF-TOPIC SWINGING WILD AND FREE IN THE SUMMER BREEZE,
OK?
WELL, TECHNICALLY IT'S NOT SUMMER ANYMORE.
IT'S JUST A FIGURE OF SPEECH.
DON'T TRY TO BOX ME IN!
LUV
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
P.S. BRYAN, I CAN'T START ENDORSING BRANDS HERE! THINK ABOUT IT. AND
DON'T GO AWAY MAD - JUST GO AWAY! FIND A NICE POETRY SLAM NIGHT SOMEWHERE
