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DEAR RON -
I LIKE YOUR SCREEN NAME, MEANGUITAR! SOUNDS BLOODY!
SO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MEANBASS. WHAT IS IT WITH THESE DAMN
GUYS, ANYWAY? WHEN I CATCH UP TO THE SMARTY PANTS THAT INVENTED
THE AMPEG SVT, HE IS GOING TO BE IN FOR IT! I AM GOING TO OPEN UP
A HUGE CAN OF WHOOP-ASS ON HIM!
ADMITTEDLY, THE PLAGUE OF LOUD GUITAR AMPS (THAT HAS BEEN UPON US
SINCE EVERYBODY DECIDED THEY WANTED TO BE JIMMY PAGE, JIMI HENDRIX,
OR STEVE FRICKIN' STEVENS) HAS BEEN A LOATHSOME PART OF POST-INDUSTRIAL
SOCIETY. BUT THERE IS SOMETHING ESPECIALLY INFURIATING ABOUT THE
CRIMINALS HOLDING BASSES AND CHORTLING AT OUR PAIN, ISN'T THERE?
BACK WHEN I WAS A YOUNG SOUNDMAN, I MIXED A SHOWCASE IN ONE OF THE
LARGE CITIES OF OUR NATION FOR A YOUNG LADY WHO WAS QUITE AN ACCOMPLISHED
SONGSTRESS, KIND OF A CROSS BETWEEN PATTI SMITH AND LUCINDA WILLIAMS.
SHE WAS SPONSORED BY AN OLDER MALE RECORDING ARTIST WHO SHALL REMAIN
NAMELESS BUT YOU HAVE HEARD HIM SING THE WORDS 'LIKE A ROCK'' A
FEW BILLION TIMES, OK?
THIS GENTLEMAN WAS SEATED NEAR ME IN THE VENUE HE HAD CHOSEN FOR
HER DEBUT.
IMAGINE WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE THAT BEARDED VISAGE GLARING AT YOU
WHEN YOU BARELY KNOW YOUR ASS FROM AN XLR, AND YOU ARE BEING BOMBARDED
BY AN IMPLIED MESSAGE OF - THE VOCAL BETTER BE ON TOP, BUBBA! OR
MAYBE THAT WAS JUST MY IMAGINATION. ON SECOND THOUGHT, PROBABLY
NOT, IT IS NATURAL AND RIGHT AND PROPER THAT SOMEONE WHO HAD INVESTED
THEIR DOLLARS AND CREDIBILITY IN THIS EVENT WOULD WANT IT TO SOUND
GOOD.
SO THERE I WAS, KNEES KNOCKIN', PRAYING THAT I WOULD DO AS GOOD
AS I HAD DONE FOR HER AT THE CLUB I NORMALLY WORKED AT.
AND THEN IT STARTED, THE SOUND OF A LANKY LEGEND-IN-HIS-OWN COUNTRY-ALT-ROCK
MIND BASS PLAYER, FREEWHEELING 60,80, 100, 120, 160, AND 200 HZ
THROUGHOUT THE ROOM. IT WASHED AWAY THE SINGER'S VOICE, ON ITS WAY
TO WASHING AWAY EVERYTHING ELSE. IT SWAMPED THE WHOLE STAGE. IT
WENT IN EVERY MIC, CAME OUT THROUGH THE MONITORS, AND WENT IN THE
MICS AGAIN.
I WAS GETTING SOME SAVAGE GLARES, THAT DROVE ME TO APPROACH THE
LIP OF THE STAGE IN BETWEEN SONGS, AND BEG THE GUY TO PLEASE TURN
DOWN. HE WAS DRUNK AND SMILED AND NODDED. SINGER GIRL SENSED SOMETHING
WAS WRONG, BUT SINCE THIS BASSIST WAS A MINOR LOCAL CELEBRITY, DIDN'T
WANT TO OFFEND HIM BY TELLING HIM IT WAS HER SHOW, TURN DOWN! SO
HE PARTIED ONWARD, BLISSFULLY GETTING INTO THE DEEP GROOVE HE THOUGHT
HE WAS LAYING DOWN, IN OTHER WORDS WRECKING THE NIGHT FOR EVERYONE
ELSE ON STAGE, AND MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO MAGICALLY SUBTRACT
HIS SINS OUT IN THE HOUSE.
RON, DON'T TAKE THE LAW INTO YOUR OWN HANDS! BUT NOW YOU UNDERSTAND
WHY SOME BANDS USE BASS-IN-A-BOX OFF OF AN ADAT OR MINIDISC. YOUR
ONLY HOPE IS TO FIRE THE PERPETRATOR WHO IS AFFECTING YOUR BAND,
AND START AUDITIONING OTHER CANDIDATES WHO UNDERSTAND THAT THE NAME
ON THE MARQUEE IS NOT THEIRS ALONE.
OF COURSE, IF IT IS THEIR NAME, YOU ARE UP THE PROVERBIAL CREEK
WITHOUT A PADDLE!
LUV --THE OLD SOUNDMAN
You
don't have the guts to e-mail him a question!
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