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Audience Critics
A GENTLEMAN, POSSIBLY IN THE AUDIOVISUAL BUSINESS, ASKS ABOUT AN
AGE-OLD DILEMNA -
Why is it that people like us, night after night dealing with
musicians, and the person at every gig that comes up and says the
sound sucks, let me at that thing pal, just because he got a new
CD player for Christmas. Why do we still want to mix live music?
I swear it's a sickness!
1. YOU'RE RIGHT, IT IS A SICKNESS. SEEK HELP FROM QUALIFIED MEDICAL
PERSONNEL, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. TURN YOURSELF IN FOR RE-GROOVING. YOU
CAN PROBABLY STILL BE CONVERTED INTO A TIRE ON AN SUV.
2.
NOBODY BUT ME IS ALLOWED TO USE THE TERM PAL, PAL.
3. I MYSELF
HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO ASK SOMEONE (YELLING AT THEM DURING THE SONG
THEY ARE "CRITIQUING," ACTUALLY) WHERE THEY WORK. LIKE
DONKEYS, THEY WOULD RESPOND "WHUDDAYA WANNA KNOW THAT FOR?"
AND I ALWAYS SNARLED "SO I CAN COME TO YOUR JOB AND CRITICIZE
HOW YOU WORK!" OFTEN THEY WOULD SAY "IT'S NOT THE SAME!
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO MY JOB!" I WOULD ANSWER "HELLO,
MCFLY??!! YES, IT IS! I AM AT WORK AND YOU ARE BOTHERING ME, AND
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DEALING WITH!"
AT OTHER,
TIMES I WOULD BELLOW "WHY WEREN'T YOU AT THE SOUNDCHECK?"
TO WHICH THEY WOULD SAY "I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE SOUNDCHECK!"
AND I WOULD CLEVERLY RETORT "BUT YOU SEEM TO CONSIDER YOURSELF
SO KNOWLEDGEABLE ABOUT SOUND! AND YOU SEEM TO KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT
HOW THIS BAND SHOULD SOUND! YOU MUST BE A SOUND ENGINEER OR A CLOSE
FRIEND OF THEIRS, RIGHT? BECAUSE YOU SURE FEEL MIGHTY FREE TO COME
UP AND EXPRESS YOUR OPINION!"
IN MY OLD AGE, I HAVE
STRUCK ON A PLAN THAT WORKS AROUND 80% OF THE TIME. THESE PEOPLE
ARE LOOKING FOR ATTENTION. THEY ARE REALLY, TO QUOTE HOWARD STERN
ONE TIME, SAYING "LOVE ME, DADDY! PLEASE LOVE ME, DADDY."
SO, I SMILE AT THEM AND MAKE EYE CONTACT AND NOD MY HEAD. MEANWHILE
I SILENTLY PROJECT "GET AWAY FROM ME WHILE YOU STILL CAN."
SO, I AM NOT A MEAN OLD SOUNDMAN SCREAMING AT THEM, BUT THEY GET
THE MESSAGE.
MANY OF OUR COLLEAGUES GO TO AMAZINGLY COMPLEX
MEANS OF EXPRESSING THEIR RESENTMENT. THERE ARE DIFFERENT XEROXED
FORMS FLOATING AROUND, SOME OF WHICH ARE PRETTY FUNNY. I USED TO
LIKE THE ONE THAT BEGAN "DEAR SOUND HELPER" AND WENT ON
TO ASK THEM TO LIST THEIR WORK EXPERIENCE AND AUDIO STUDIES, AND
WHAT SIZE VENUES THEY HAVE MIXED IN.
ANOTHER GOOD ONE ASKS
THEM: WHEN YOU ARE IN AN AIRPLANE AND IT ENCOUNTERS TURBULENCE,
DO YOU GO UP AND KNOCK ON THE DOOR TO THE COCKPIT AND INSIST ON
TALKING TO THE CAPTAIN? TRULY, IT IS MOST IRRITATING WHEN SOMETHING
IS GOING WRONG, AND YOU ARE TRYING TO FIX IT, AND PEOPLE ARE TRYING
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING'S WRONG.
A COUPLE YEARS AGO, I WAS
WORKING WITH A YOUNGER BAND, AND THEIR MANAGER ASKED ME TO ESCORT
THEM INTO A REAL DIVE, THAT PROMOTES ITSELF AS A MUSIC ROOM BUT
DOESN'T CARE AT ALL ABOUT THE BANDS. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING IN THE
LEAST, EVERY SINGLE HF ELEMENT IN THE PASSIVE MONITORS WAS BLOWN.
IT WAS ALL WOOF.
THE KEYBOARDIST DID NOT BRING AN AMP, SO
WHEN HE PLUGGED IN AND I FED HIM FOLDBACK FROM THE FILTHY HOUSE
BOARD, HE SHOOK HIS HEAD. IF THE REST OF THE BAND WAS PLAYING THROUGH
THEIR BEEFY ROCK DUDE BRAND AMPS, HE COULD NOT HEAR A THING. HE
WAS STANDING PRETTY CLOSE TO A MAIN, AND HE SAID "YOU ARE JUST
GOING TO HAVE TO TURN ME UP REALLY LOUD IN THE HOUSE." SO I
DID.
LATER, DURING THEIR SET, HERE COMES MR. THINKS HE'S
SO COOL WITH HIS LEATHER JACKET AND HAIR JUST RIGHT, WHO STAND ON
TIPTOES AND PUTS HIS FAT HEAD BETWEEN ME AND THE BAND TO HOLLER
"THE KEYBOARD IS TOO LOUD!" I SCREAMED "GET THE EFF
OUT OF MY FACE!" HE WAS COMPLETELY ASTONISHED. I AM A MERE
SOUNDMAN! HE IS THE SWINGING-EST GUY HE KNOWS. HE ACTUALLY EXPECTED
ME TO TUG AT MY FORELOCK AND SAY "I'M SORRY, SQUIRE! I COULD
NOT HEAR THAT THE KEYBOARD WAS VERY LOUD! SMITE ME, BY ALL MEANS!
I SHALL TURN IT DOWN FOR YOU IMMEDIATELY, GUV! THANKS FOR POINTING
THAT OUT, NOW MAY I HAVE MY CRUST OF BREAD AND SOME BRACKISH WATER?"
AFTER
THE SONG WAS OVER, HE HAD THE NERVE TO KEEP IT UP. "HEY, MAN,
THE KEYBOARD IS REALLY TOO LOUD!" I LOST IT - I BLEW UP - I
TOLD HIM THAT HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON HERE, AND THAT I
DID HAVE THE POWER TO HAVE HIM THROWN OUT OF THAT CLUB (NOT TRUE,
BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT) AND UNLESS HE SHUT UP AND WALKED AWAY FROM
ME RIGHT THEN, I WOULD HAVE HIS ASS TOSSED OUT ONTO THE STREET!
HE WALKED AWAY SHAKING HIS HEAD, LOOKING BACK AT ME, AND TELLING
HIS BUDDY THAT THE SOUNDMAN WAS AN A-HOLE.
COULD I HAVE TOLD
HIM THAT THE MONITORS WERE HALF BLOWN OUT, AND THAT THE KEYBOARDIST,
LIKE 98% OF KEYBOARDISTS, THINKS THAT FOR SOME REASON "GUITAR
PLAYER HAS TO BRING AMP. HA HA! BASS PLAYER HAS TO BRING AMP! WHAT
A SUCKER! ME NOT BRING AMP! ME SPECIAL!"
BOTTOM LINE:
IF HE HAD SPOKEN TO ME LIKE A PERSON, WITH RESPECT, I MIGHT HAVE
GONE TO THE TROUBLE. THIS GUY, IN EVERY MANNERISM HE DISPLAYED AT
FIRST, INDICATED THAT HE THOUGHT I WAS AN ABSOLUTE BUFFOON AND THAT
IT WAS OKAY FOR HIM TO PROJECT THAT THAT'S WHAT HE THOUGHT! HE WAS
A RUDE YUPPIE SCUMBAG AND HE GOT WHAT WAS COMING TO HIM, MUCH TO
THE ASTONISHMENT OF THE VENUE SOUNDMAN. I ACTED LIKE I WAS PERSONALLY
READY TO JAM THIS GUY OUT THE FRONT DOOR, AND I WAS.
BUT
AFTER THE SHOW I TOLD THE BAND MANAGER, I WILL NEVER WORK A SHOW
HERE WITH ANY OF YOUR BANDS AGAIN, AND BE SUBJECT TO THAT KIND OF
EMBARASSMENT. THE "SOUNDMAN" THERE WAS NOT A PROFESSIONAL.
HE DID NOT FORCE THE OWNER TO FINANCE THE MUCH-NEEDED MAINTENANCE
OF THE GEAR. HE SHOWED UP FOR WORK, PROBABLY GOT FIFTY BUCKS AND
A FEW DRINKS. HE WAS THE ONE WHO DESERVED THAT MORON'S HARASSMENT,
NOT ME.
SO, MY NAMELESS CORRESPONDENT, BEST OF LUCK TO YOU.
I DON'T GIVE 'EM HELL ANYMORE. BECAUSE, IN THE LONG RUN, IT ONLY
RILED ME UP, AND DISTRACTED ME. THE RULE OF THUMB IS THAT I AM NEVER
RUDE TO PEOPLE WHO ARE POLITE. I WILL ASK PEOPLE NOT TO TALK TO
ME UNTIL THE SONG IS OVER. I AM OFTEN RUNNING CUES DURING A SONG.
YA
KNOW WHAT, ANONYMOUS? YOU'RE A CELEBRITY. THINK OF IT THAT WAY.
WHAT WE EXPERIENCE IS RELATED IN A TWISTED WAY TO WHAT STARS GET
WHEN THEY ARE ASKED FOR AUTOGRAPHS. ANOTHER FAVORITE OF MINE BACK
IN THE OLD DAYS WAS TO SAY VERY DISTINCTLY "IF YOU THINK YOU
CAN DO MY JOB BETTER THAN ME, THERE ARE APPLICATIONS IN THE MANAGER'S
OFFICE, AND YOU CAN GO FILL ONE OUT, GOODBYE!" AND THEN TURN
MY BACK ON THEM. OH MAN, THEY WERE PISSED!
ONCE A GUY SAID
TO ME "THIS IS THE WORST MIX I HAVE EVER HEARD!" I KNEW
THAT IT WAS THE WORST BAND HE HAD EVER HEARD. THE WORST GUITAR TONES,
BEYOND SALVAGING WITH EQ. THE WORST MIC TECHNIQUE AND CATERWAULING
BY A VERY DISTURBED YOUNG PERSON. THE AUDIENCE COMPLAINER SAID "DOESN'T
THIS SOUND TERRIBLE?" I AGREED THAT IT DID. THAT'S WHAT REALLY
SET HIM OFF! HE STOMPED AWAY GLARING AT ME AND PROBABLY TOLD ALL
HIS FRIENDS THE NEXT DAY HOW SCREWED THIS SOUNDMANM WAS.
PEOPLE
DON'T KNOW. THEY DON'T THINK.
BUT, BE NICE TO THE ONES WHO
ARE THE EXCEPTION. BECAUSE THAT IS BEING FAIR. AND YOUR ORIGINAL
COMPLAINT IS ABOUT PEOPLE BEING UNFAIR, RIGHT?
LUV
- THE OLD SOUNDMAN
