Jokes

This is pretty amusing.

Talking about cultural logic (an oxymoron if ever I heard one) I thought youguys might like this:

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, yousell cows and bulls, you buy cows and bulls, the economy expands. You sellthe lot and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company,using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, thenexecute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you getall four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights ofthe six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island companysecretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all sevencows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company ownseight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new presidentof the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet providedwith the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You sell one, and give the other one drugs until it canproduce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A BUSH FAMILY CORPORATION:

Yore daddy give you two cows. Yore daddy is the president of the UnitedStates of America. The cows get sick on account of how the pond you put themin got the wrong kinda water, or sump‚n. Your daddy's good friends in theCattle Industry buy the cows at $20 million apiece. The Cattle Industry paysno tax for the next five years cause they're right good folks. The CattleIndustry done give you back the cows. You still got the cows and you made$40 million on the deal. Who said you wuddn't no kinda bidnissman?

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. When thestrike ends the government has created a Departement des Vaches with abureaucracy of 5,000. The head of the Departement is your mistress Fifi deSt Arnaud Delacroix de la Grand-Cul. Your children are departmentalsecretaries earning Ff 500,000 per year. There are still only two cows.

AN IRISH CORPORATION:

You meet two cows down the pub. By an amazing coincidence one of them knowsyour old pal Billy Fee down the Shannon. Your old mates the cows go withyou. The one cow is looking at you strange, yes, you, pal. The glass, theglass just slipped officer. But you should have heard the singing. And theGarda had no right, no right at all to confiscate them cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of anordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cowcartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide. The cows learn tobow to each other. You borrow billions of Yen from your nephew Ishiguro‚sbank. Unfortunately watching Cowkimon causes terminal epilepsy. Your shareskamikaze. Your nephew and yourself know of debt, no problem withproductivity. What cows?

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eatonce a month, and milk themselves. However, they need lebensraum....

AN ENGLISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. Both are mad. This is OK because the minister ofAgriculture Herbert Plunkett Ranfurly-Ernle-Earle-Drax was at school withyou and is known to you as 'Whiffle'. He kindly agrees to have the lawchanged so that your cows can be re-labelled as 'Non-Infectious meat-typeproduct of more than one leg of origin'. Tescos make you pay them to takeyour cows away. They are machine-reclaimed and sold as premium qualityorganic beefburgers at 3,000% profit per cow.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.When you return from lunch, the TV and the Press (which you own) areannouncing that the two cows have reproduced to become 2,000 cows duringlunch. You and your brand-new colleague, Rino "Chi-Chi the cat-buggerer"Torricelli (a respected Sicilian businessman with an internationalpharmeceutical empire) now qualify for a huge EEC grant. You still don'tknow where the cows are.

A FINNISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows? Two cows? The black crow of despair is tearing bloodychunks from your liver and leaving you screaming in infinite loneliness inthe absolute zero of your mind, and they want to talk about cows?

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You countthem again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn youhave 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. Ifonly the cows would stop drinking you could count them properly.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others forstoring them. You keep the cows whose owners forget to come back for them.But there are no, repeat no, Nazi cows. Or Nigerian military cows, orFilipino dictatorial cows, or Serbian genocidal cows.....

A HINDU CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You worship them. They eat all your crops. You and yourfamily and all your friends go and explain the situation to your muslimneighbours. Your neighbours flee to Pakistan leaving you their land, theircows, their crops, their chickens and a lame dog called Ranjit. You eat thechickens. You sell the dog. You worship the cows.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim fullemployment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reportedthe numbers. The party owns all the rights to the milk. The party sells there-educated milk under the brand-name 'Mao's Milky Marvel'. The newsman isexecuted for treason and sold for body parts.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:

So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? Plainly, the land over theroad currently illegally occupied by filthy Arab squatters for the last fivehundred years is land apportioned to the cows by Yaweh, an inalienable partof Eretz Israel, nu? You teach the cows to drive tanks. One cow establishesa ditch and a concrete wall round their new grazing land with a bulldozer,while the other cow goes to Washington to lobby for US financial aid for thereclaimed land.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You are suspicious of them. They look foreign or Abo.With only 10 million acres of outback per honest Australian cow you can'tafford to take chances. You isolate the cows on a small Pacific islandpending further enquiries. The cows die on hunger strike.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:

You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

ta-ta!

Jon Cloke 

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