Musician Jokes

J Gordon's Muso Jokes

Q: What has three legs and an asshole?
A: A drum stool.

"Welcome to heaven, here's your harp and your tuning key."
"Welcome to hell, here's your harp."

General Custer and his aide were in the fort.
The aide said, "General, I don't like the sound of those drums."
From over the hill a voice yelled, "He's not our regular drummer."

Q: What do pirates and trumpet players have in common?
A: They are both murder on the high C's.

Q: What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
A: His Amp.

Q: What would Jerry Garcia be doing, if he were alive today?
A: Knocking on the lid of his coffin.

Q: How can you tell when a female singer is at the front door?
A: She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: How do you reduce wind drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven - one to change it and the other six to sing about how much better the old one was.

Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A: Gretzky showers after three periods.

Q: How can you tell when a drummer is at the front door?
A: The knock gets faster.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What does the guitar player say when he gets to work?
A: " Would you like fries with that, sir?"

Q: What's the difference between playing viola and wetting your pants?
A: Both playing viola and wetting your pants are publicly humiliating, but one leaves you with a warm feeling.

Q: Why are oboists and bassoonists the only musicians who make their own reeds?
A: Because the other musicians have social lives.

Q: What's the difference between a French horn player and a weather reporter?
A: The weather reporter is more accurate.

Q: What do Kenny G and an AK-47 have in common?
A: They both repeat themselves 240 times a minute.

Q: What are two differences between female vocalists and terrorists?
A: (1) You can negotiate with terrorists. (2) They both destroy bridges.

Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

Bill: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.

Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
It took him 30 minutes to get his drums, the bass amp, and the bass player out.

Q: Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
A: He's too sensitive.

Q: What do you call a group of lesbians with guns?
A: Militia Etheridge.

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend likes to sing."

Q: How is a harp different from a motorcycle?
A: Well, they both go between your legs, and they're both associated with angels . . . but you can tune a Harley.

Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
A: New Age music.

Q: How many punk rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the guitar player has to show him how to do it.

Q: What do you call those cute and giggly girls who hang around guitar players?
A: Lead singers.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 5, 1 to change the light bulb and 4 to keep the guitarist from hogging all the light.

Q: What's the difference between a lead singer and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.

Q: What does a lead singer do when she wakes up in the morning?
A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.

Q: If you drop an entertainment lawyer and a trombone off a building, what do you get?
A: Applause.

Q: What will it take to reunite the Beatles?
A: 3 more bullets.

Q: What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind?
A: His teeth.

Q: What's the inscription on a blues singer's tombstone?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 11: one to change to light bulb, and 10 to stand around and tell you how Steve Gadd would have done it.

A Jazz musician and a Rock musician were chatting, and the former asks "so how come you guys can afford all that PA gear you carry around with you?".
"Well it's simple", said the Rock musician, "just think of all the money we saved on music lessons".

The clarinet: an ill woodwind that nobody blows good.

Q: How do you get a drummer to play his/her drums?
A: Start tuning your guitar.

Q: Why do drummers have a pea sized brain?
A: Alcohol makes the brain swell!!

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four. vacuum cleaner.

Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping
mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."

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We will strive to to make you laugh.