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1 star hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a
mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy.
Be glad that you are able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10
sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomber and
a side of gravy fries.
2 star hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but
you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is
only irritating your rumbling gut, which
is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake beakfast from
IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.
3 star hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you
of the random gin shots you did
with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen
donuts and a meatball sub watching
the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of
water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke -- yet you haven't peed
once.
4 star hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly
or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for
being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You
wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed
an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your
make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one
big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the
class picture of Revere High, '76.
5 star hangover (*****)
AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second heartbeat
in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in
the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping
out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste
crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your
body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is
suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely
don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank,
and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.
6 star hangover (******)
Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker" You wake
up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling,
wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your
cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke from 5 hours ago. It is
amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages
to get up before you the next
morning....You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when
you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs
of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you
realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass handed
you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full
time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp
"Ready to Rock" faintly atop your ! forehead...... that
explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared
on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in
t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think
of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.
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